Old and New Jokes

Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, Sweetheart, youre gonna get hair on your Twinkie.
She says, Yes, I know, and Im gonna get boobs too.

Why is the word abbreviate so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for thesaurus?

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, Doc, Im constipated. The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, Lean over the table.



The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, Doc, I feel great. What should I do?



The doctor says, Stop wiping with cement bags.

You are so cheap . . .

When someone rang your doorbell, your kids had to yell, ding dong!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oliver!
Oliver who?
Oliver troubles are over!

Q: Why do they say Amen at the end of a prayer instead of Awomen?
A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

Q: Why didnt Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didnt want any advice.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roamin Catholic!

Doctor: Your recovery was a miracle!
Patient: PRAISE GOD. Now I dont have to pay you!

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Even then men wouldnt ask for directions!

There were two rumates and the one that slept ontop brung his girlfriend and he told her when they have sex for his room mate wont here if it herts say bread if you want me to go fast say Lettuce and if you want me to go slow say tomatoes.Then the next day when they woke up his room mate says your awake?they said yeswell then u better stop making sandwiches at night cause you got mainaise in my mouth and eyes.

Q: Why wasnt the teddy bear hungry?

A: Because he was already stuffed.