Old and New Jokes

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (Im a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.
"Did yknow that St. Patrick was a sissy?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadnt worked. The second decided to try.
"Did yknow that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadnt worked. The third man knew he had the solution.
"Did yknow that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"
"Oh, no. But thats what yr friends hae been trying to tell me."

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, Whats your IQ? The man replied, 130. So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, This is really cool. Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, Whats your IQ? The man responded, 120. So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, Wow, this is really cool. A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, Whats your IQ? The man replied, 80. The robot then said, So, how are things in Alabama these days?

You got your tater gun hangin over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

Youve ever entered yourself in a Howdy Doody Look-alike Contest.

Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

Sure, GOD says, Go right ahead.

OK, the man says. Why did you make women so pretty?

GOD says, So you would like them.

OK, the guy says. But how come you made them so beautiful?

So you would LOVE them, GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, But why did you make them such airheads?

GOD says, So they would love you!

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
A: Nothing . . . yet.

Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, Mom, I have something to tell you: Im gay.]

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure shed heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, Youre gay — doesnt that mean you put other mens penises in your mouth?

The guy said nervously, Uh, yeah, Mom, thats right. His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, Dont you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!

A teacher asked her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.



Mary said, My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.



The teacher said, That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.



Sally raised her hand and said, My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.



The teacher said, Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.



Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.



Johnny said loudly, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.

The teacher said, That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word fascinate in your sentence.



Little Johnny continued, But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!

Theres a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy–Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, Im not a Bush fan.

The teacher says, Why arent you a Bush fan?

Johnny says, Im a John F. Kerry fan. The teacher asks why hes a Kerry fan. The boy says, Well, my moms a Kerry fan, and my Dads a Kerry fan, so Im a Kerry fan!

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, What if youre Mom was a moron, and youre dad was an idiot, what would that make you?

Johnny says, That would make me a Bush fan.