A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.



What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?

Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!



Why dont blondes eat pickles?

Because they cant get their head in the jar.



Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

From eating with forks.



How did the blonde burn his nose?

Bobbing for french fries.



Did you hear about the blonde that ate rocky mountain oysters?

She was dragged 200 yards.



What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?

She peed on her corn flakes.



Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

So they know if it is morning or afternoon.



Why dont blondes like buttered toast?

They cant figure out which side the butter goes on.

Its still the economy.
And hes still stupid.

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else… After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. Im not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. Im not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I dont know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Un árabe atraviesa el desierto montado en su camello. Después de tantos días viajando ya quería tener sexo. Por lo que a cada rato mira hacia atrás, para ver el trasero del camello y profiere:

Mmmm, me tengo que coger a ese camello.

Un rato después, vuelve a mirar el trasero del camello y exclama:

Mmmm, ahorita me lo voy a coger.

Pero no lo hizo, y a los 5 minutos insiste:

¡Ya no me aguanto más, carajo!

Se baja del camello y lo empieza a abrir de patas. El camello no se deja y, después de tanto luchar para abrirlo de patas, el árabe quedó rendido.

Casualmente, pasa por ahí una rubia de ojos azules en su coche último modelo. De improviso, el coche tiene una falla mecánica y la mujer tiene que detenerse. Se acerca al moro y le ofrece que si él pudiese componer su coche, a cambio ella haría lo que él quiera.

El árabe responde que sí y, al poco tiempo, deja el coche como nuevo. Entonces, la dama se acerca a él y le dice:

Ahora sí, haré lo que tú quieras.

Contento, el morisco responde: ¿Lo que yo quiera?

¡Sí, sí, lo que tú quieras!

Pero, ¿estás segura?, insiste el beduino.

¡Claro que estoy segura!

Entonces, ¡ayúdame a abrir de patas al camello!

He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.



When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.



He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.



He tells you that he has never told a lie.



A big sign in his office says: Dont ask me.



His Law Firm is Dewey, Cheathm & How!



He asks the Judge, How is your wife and my kids?



A prison guard is shaving your head.

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.



Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. I cant find it, he admitted.



The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said yes and goes on his way.



Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, I cant find it.



Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.



So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, Well, did you find it?



Tommy is quick with his reply, Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.

There was these three indians who each were going to hunt for the first time. So the first indian goes off into the horizon and comes back with a rabbit. The others are amazed and ask how did you catch that rabbit, the indian replies me go hunting, me follow tracks, me catch rabbit. The next day the 2nd indian goes off and give it a try and comes back with a buffalo, the others are astouned by this and ask how did you catch that buffalo, and he simply replies,me go hunt, me follow tracks, me catch buffalo so the third indian thinks he has what it takes and gives it a try the next day and comes back all fucked up, the others a laughing so hard at him that they wet themselves and ask how the hell did you get all fucked up like that and he replies me go hunt, me follow track, me get hit by train.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lima Bean!
Lima Bean who?
Lima Bean working on the railroad….!

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, I won a motor home! I won a motor home!

The waitress runs over and argues, Thats impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!

The blonde replies, No. I won a motor home!

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, You couldnt possibly have won a motor home because we didnt have that as one of our prizes.

Again the blonde says, There is no mistake! I won a motor home!

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, WIN A BAGEL.