Pepito estaba sentado muy nervioso frente a la maestra. Comenzaba a escribir y se le caÃa el lápiz de la mano; se agachaba para recogerlo; luego se sentaba en la orilla de su asiento; miraba para abajo y para el frente; cerraba los ojos y luego los abrÃa como si fueran a salÃrsele.
La profesora, que lo habÃa estado observando, le ordena:
Pepito, por favor, siéntate derecho.
¡Pues usted tampoco se mueva tanto, profesora!
Cierto dÃa, un campesino de 14 años, en la flor de la adolescencia, le dice a su padre:
Oye pape, tu sabe que yo ya tengo mis pelos y bueno… tengo que probar la lanza poh…
Y el padre le dice:
Mira mejo, yo te huá pasarte la plata para que vayas a la casa de la Rosa (Casa de Remolienda muy conocida por todos en la zona).
LLega el muchacho allá y toca la puerta, lo sale a atender la Rosa, el le dice:
Sabe que yo, bueno, yo vengo a utilizar el servicio poh oiga.
Y la Rosa le pregunta: ¿Tienes experiencia?
No pero…
Mira, te doy un consejo, le dice la Rosa, ándate al bosque y a cada árbol que le veas un hoyo, clávale el instrumento y después de un tiempo vuelves.
Parte raudo el huaso y cada árbol con hoyo, árbol embarazado.
Después de un mes vuelve el huaso a la casa de la Rosa, con una tabla bajo el brazo, y le dice: ya volvï ya pueh…
Débora, ya ven y atiende al joven.
Entran a la habitación y Débora se coloca en posición de mesita de centro y el huasito saca su tabla y le manda un costalazo en pleno orto.
La Débora se da vuelta y le pregunta: ¿Que estaà haciendo hueón?
¡Estoy viendo que no tenga abejas poh…!
A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boys parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card — unopened — laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red A under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their sons room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
Was it the nuns that did it?, the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, No.
Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?
No.
The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?
Nope, said the son. On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the plus sign, I just knew they meant business!
OK, lets consider the physical evidence.
The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.
Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earths surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Why didnt JFK Jr take a shower before be left for the Vineyard?
He said hed wash up on shore.
Hear about Kennedy Airlines?
Their motto is Your luggage will arrive before you do!
What do Kennedys miss most about Marthas Vineyard?
The runway.
How did JFK Jr learn to fly?
Crash course.
How are the Kennedy’s like oil?
They dont mix well with water.
Why arent there more JFK Jr jokes out there?
They just havent surfaced yet.
30 things people actually said in court
Question
1. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Question
2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.
Question
3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
Question
4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I cant remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years
Question
5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said Where am I, Cathy? Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan.
Question
6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximatly milepost
499. Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and
500.
Question
7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Question
8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Question
9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do. Q: Voodoo?
A: We do. Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.
Question
10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Question
11. Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?
Question
12. Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?
Question
13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Question
14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Question
15. Q: Did he kill you?
Question
16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
Question
17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Question
18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Question
19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at the time?
Question
20. Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?
A: none. Q: Were there any girls?
Question
21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Question
22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?
Question
23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Question
24. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Question
25. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or female?
Question
26. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Question
27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral
Question
28. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Question
29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Question
30. Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No. Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Prince Charles admitted to been a Star Trek fan. My thought: Isnt that unusual that a 50 year old man with no job living with his mother is a fan.
In the front yard of a funeral home, Drive carefully, well wait.
On an electricians truck, Let us remove your shorts.
Outside a radiator repair shop, Best place in town to take a leak.
In a non-smoking area, If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door, Push, Push, Push.
On a front door, Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
At an optometrists office, If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.
On a taxidermists window, We really know our stuff.
On a butchers window, Let me meat your needs.
On a butchers window, You can beat our prices, but you cant beat our meat.
On a fence, Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
At a car dealership, The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.
Outside a muffler shop, No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.
In a dry cleaners emporium, Drop your pants here.
On a desk in a reception room, We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
In a veterinarians waiting room, Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company, We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.
In a Beauty Shop, Dye now!
In a Beauty Shop, We curl up and Dye for you.
On the side of a garbage truck, Weve got what it takes to take what youve got. (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, Dont stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Inside a bowling alley, Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
In a cafeteria, Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
A guy just died and hes at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, You know, I cant see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED – youre in.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leaders chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, Leave this poor innocent girl alone! Youre all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!
St. Peter, impressed, says, Really? When did this happen?
Oh, about two minutes ago.