These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

162. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, Boy, these zoos just arent what they used to be.

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelors degree and the woman gets her masters.

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know, son, Im still paying for it.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy – we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. And the husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice it.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wifes birthday is to forget it once.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

A: A happy pit bull.

Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours?

Clinton was showing her the proper way to take dictation.

Safeway has made a $1.7 billion offer for Vons markets. Says Bob Mills,
The amount of the bid became public after a checkout clerk was overheard
yelling Price check on the company!

He adds, the original offer was $2 billion, but then Safeway pulled out
a huge stack of double-value coupons.

Yo mama so fat that when she stepped outside everyone thought there was an eclipse.

Heard from another good friend:

Two gentlemen are driving down the interstate and decide to stop at a
Truck Stop for dinner. They sit at the counter and when the waitress
arrives, both gentlemen order hamburgers.

The waitress promptly goes to the freezer, pulls out two patties, and
places one each under each arm. When asked what the hell is going on,
she calmly explains that they have no way to defrost the patties since
the microwave is broken.

Send one man to the other, Boy, Im sure glad I didnt order a hotdog.

This guy goes to the doctor and says, Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.

The doctor says, OK. Touch your elbow.

The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, says Touch your head.

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says Weve found your problem.

Oh yeah? What is it?

Youve broken your finger!

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did some research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles — or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: it had a wonderful disposition and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. So the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull, and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all, he was very wise. They told him the story. Rabbi, weve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right, the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left, the cow moves to the right. What do we do? The Rabbi pondered for a moment and asked, Did you buy this cow from Minsk? Rabbi! they all replied, You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that? The Rabbi said sadly, My wife is from Minsk.

The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so shed pipe up, Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?

No, lady, not yet. Ill let you know, he replied, time after time. The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.

Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, This is where you get out, lady.

Is this Oriskany Falls?

YES! he bellowed. Get out!

Oh, Im going all the way to Albany, sonny, she explained sweetly. Its just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill.

RAINY web