Old and New Jokes

… and says, hello……………………………………Pint of Bitter PleaseThe barmans starts to pull the pint, and says Why the Long Pause?

I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim Ahead of my legions I invaded her regions I saw, I conquered, I came!

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. What are those knives doing in your car? asked the officer.

I juggle them in my act.

Oh yeah? says the cop. Lets see you do it. So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test theyre making you do now!

Una pulga está tomando sol en la playa, toda bronceada, debajo de una sombrilla, cuando llega otra pulga muerta de frío. La primera le pregunta: Que te pasó?. Resulta que quise venir a la playa a tomar el sol, y me subí en los bigotes de un motociclista que venía para aca, pero casi me muero del frío después de venir todo el camino a 200 km por hora. No seas bruta, tienes que hacer como yo, te escondes en el baño de mujeres, y cuando entra una, te subes a su ropa interior y viajas calentita y segura.

Al otro fin de semana vuelven a encontrarse en la playa las dos pulgas, la primera bronceadísima, y la segunda nuevamente blanca y muerta de frio. ¿Y ahora qué te pasa, no hiciste lo que te dije? Sí, lo hice. Me escondi en el baño de mujeres, llegó una y cuando se bajó la ropa interior, me subí, me acomode ahí muy a gusto y me quede dormida. Entonces, que pasó? No lo sé; cuando me desperté estaba otra vez en los bigotes del motociclista y venía a 200 km/h muriéndome de frío.

La pareja de recién casados está en el hotel más que dispuesta a disfrutar de su primera noche juntos. El tipo, que tiene un miembro descomunal, saca un par de condones y un tarro de crema que coloca cerca de la cama, mientras la esposa, que lo espera en la cama dice:

¡Ay que lindo! ¿Me vas a poner cremita?

Cremita no, mi amor, ¡te voy a poner morada!

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat. They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.



Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat. He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.



When it was the Cats turn to buy, he told them to Fuck off!



So the man went back to the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.



The Barman was curious about this and said I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasnt. Why is this?.



The man replied, I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.



What did you wish for? said the Barman.



I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.

The towns fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
Hysteria and Posteriors.

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

No go, so they tried:
Catatonics and High Colonics.

Thumbs down again, so they tried:
Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.:

Still not good, so they tried:
Minds and Behinds.

Still no go. Nor did:
Analysis and Anal Cysts,
Nuts and Butts,
Freaks and Cheeks or
Loons and Moons work either, so they finally settled on:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.

Noahs wife.

A mechanical device used to fill in the end of your
driveway as soon as you finish shoveling it.

How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?

White-out on the screen!

How can you tell shes made the corrections?

She wrote over the white out!