A Jew and a Christian are being chased by the cops
the Christian driver asks the Jew if the cops are still after them.
The Jew asks how do i know?
Christian: are there bright lights on a car behind us?
Jew: yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no.
Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground."Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?""I dunno," said the second. "Lets find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waitedand waited, but didnt hear it hit bottom."Hmm. Lets try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didnt hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if theyd seen a goat."Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole.""Oh, well then it couldnt have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.
MEGA MORON AWARDS
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Un borracho entra en un bar; se acerca a la barra y pide una cerveza. Mientras se la bebe dice en voz alta y muy embriagado:
Todos los que están a mi derecha de la barra son unos imbéciles. Y todos los que están a mi izquierda son unos gilipollas.
Salta uno de los de su izquierda y reclama:
¡Perdona, pero yo no soy un gilipollas!
Pues pasa al otro lado, ¡IMBÉCIL!
The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfields ear:
10. Got a little carried away after seeing Face/Off
9. Really wanted to win first prize on Americas Funniest Home Videos
8. Like this doesnt happen every year in the Masters
7. Whenever Moe bites Curlys ear, its hilarious!
6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith
5. I guess youve never heard of a little thing called strategy
4. Ears is tasty
3. It was self-defense — he wouldnt stop punching me!
2. Disqualified sounds better than got his ass kicked all over the ring
1. He ran out of gum
Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?
Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.
The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.
And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying Dont worry, itll be up any minute now….
Whats green and flies over Poland?
Peter Panski.
Yo mama so tall she did a cartwheel and hit Jesus.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…
2. Pilot-Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…its a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.
3. After landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.
8. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.
9. As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
10. Last one off the plane must clean it.
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate!
13. Another flight Attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sonny, mind if I as you a question? Why no, Maam, said the pilot, what is it? The little old lady said, Did we land or were we shot down?
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
16. Part of a Flight Attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope youll think of us here at US Airways.