1.Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order. 2.Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for. 3.Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window. 4.Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. 5.Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. 6.Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in. 7.When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on. 8.Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. 9.Ask how they fit into that little box. 10.If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. 11.Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said May I take your order? 12.When asked if they can take your order say No, why cant I take yours? 13.If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you. 14.Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away. 15.Tell them you have to use the bathroom. 16.Order a cup of water and two napkins. Thats it. 17.Dont order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene. 18.When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it. 19.Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Dont break your stare. 20.Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, You got any grapes?

Guy at the counter says, No, we dont have any grapes.

Duck says okay. and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says You got any grapes?

The man once again replies, No! We do not have any grapes.

The duck says Okay. and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks, You got any grapes?

The man is very annoyed and says, No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, Im gonna nail your bill to the floor!

The duck replies Okay, and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, You got any nails?

The man at the counter says No.

The duck says, Well then, you got any grapes?

I wrote this and submitted it to my schools humor magazine (Punch Bowl), where
it was published. I thought Id share it with the net. It is a parody of
tabloid newspaper advertisements.
Enjoy

–David

Now that your nookie days are over and your pilot light is out, what used to be your sex appeal is now your water spout! Time was when, of its own accord, from your trousers it would spring, but now youve got a full time job to find the blasted thing!

It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave, every single morning it would stand up and watch you shave!

Now as old age approaches, it sure gives you the blues to see it hang its little head and watch you tie your shoes.

(Beware the zorgonians are everywhere)

FOREIGN GOOFS

Bite the wax tadpole.
– Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
– ad slogan Pepsi Comes Alive as originally translated into Chinese

I am a jelly doughnut
– English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

We pray for MacArthurs erection.
– sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
– from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.
– Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS

Im not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.
– Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.
– Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

Retraction: The Greek Special is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondies Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Fridays ad may have caused.
– correction printed in The Daily Californian

Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! Its rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
– Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?
– announcer of childrens radio show Life With Mother to her audience

They X-Rayed my head and found nothing.
– Jerome Dizzy Dean

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history … this centurys history … We all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century.
– Dan Quayle

You might be a redneck if you think loading the dishwasher means getting the wife drunk!

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, Arent you Moses.



The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.



George W. positioned himself more directly in the mans view and asked again, Arent you Moses?



The man continued to peruse the ceiling.



George W. tugged at the mans sleeve and asked once again, Arent you Moses?



The man finally responded in an irritated voice, Yes I am.



George W. asked him why he was so uppity.



Moses replied, The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Reagan!
Reagan who?
Reagan maniac!

Q: How many Will Rogers does it take to change a dead light bulb?
A: None. He never met a dead light bulb he didnt like.

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitutes terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.

The prostitute snapped back, What do you want to do, knit or have sex?