Old and New Jokes

A Cork radio station (in Ireland) was running a competition – words that werent in the Dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: 96FM, whats your name?

Caller: Hi, me names Dave.

DJ: Dave, what is your word?

Caller: Goan spelt G O A N, pronounced go-an

DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, Goan is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: 96FM, whats your name?

Caller: Hi, me names Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

Caller: Smee spelt S M E E, pronounced smee.

DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, No, I wont sleep with
you tonight! Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles
at him and says, Im sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, Im a graduate
student in psychology and Im studying how people respond to embarrassing
situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200?

My friend asked me what a paradigm is and I said, Its a model. He said, That means Kathy ireland is my favorite paradigm.

Reading the Living section of the newspaper, I have discovered there is a new definition for the word urban. It now means black.

My high school was so tough that everyone thought an outline was what you draw around a dead body.

Any womans ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. Once cooking and the other cleaning.

The Atlanta zoo should name their Pandas Bill and Monica. That might encourage them to breed.

Lost Dog: Notch in left ear, left rear leg missing, tail bobbed, blind in right eye. Has been castrated. Answers to the name of Lucky.

Preachers are not put out to pasture. They have a retirement plan that is out of this world.

Oh yea, now the Boulder police think the teddy bear did it.

Theres a new cat food commercial that says if you have a cat, you live longer. Im here to tell you, it just seems longer.

Someone please remind me to never again wear a wrap skirt on a windy day.

To those women too beautiful to get a date: Im forming a support group at my place.

My boss is an idiot.

My friend was driving to the aiport and saw the sign, Airport Left. He turned around and went home.

The Republicans, drunk with power for several years, have started to sober up and are now wondering if the voters will respect them in the morning.

To the most beautiful woman: Men wont ask me out because Im fat and ugly. But at least Im not obnoxious.

Middle age: When work is a lot less fun, and fun a lot more work.

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after hed gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, Do you have a hammer?

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer.

The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, Do you have a chisel?

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, What are you doing to my wife?

Not a thing, replied old doc Carver. I cant get my instrument bag open.

If you want to know why they are called the opposite sex, express an opinion!

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

MEGA MORON AWARDS

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes Officer..thats her. Thats the lady I stole the purse from.

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes.

The Smarter Sex?

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; its a bad one. Both
of their cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So youre a man.
Thats interesting. Im a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! Theres
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days.

Flattered, the man replied, Oh yes, I agree with you completely!

This must be a sign from God! the woman continued, and look at this,
heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle
of wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to the man.

The man asks, Arent you having any?

The woman replies, No. I think Ill just wait for the police…

Había una vez un chinito que todos los días tenía que enfrentar un grave problema: cuando iba a su trabajo, debía pasar frente a una casona con un gran jardín y muchos perros, los cuales al ver pasar al chinito salían a la calle y comenzaban a perseguirlo enfurecidos.

El chinito había intentado en repetidas ocasiones plantearle la queja al amo de los perros, un comerciante muy conocido de la zona, de nombre Jorge Curro, no siendo atendido jamás. Por último y desesperado por la situación, tomó una espada de gran tamaño, de ésas que usaban los guerreros chinos, y salió decidido a darle su merecido a los perros de Curro.

Cuando los perros salieron a molestarlo, el chinito desenvainó su espada con un grito de guerra; pero Curro, el amo de los animales, que estaba en la casa, llamó a sus canes con un silbido: chuit… chuit… Y los perros se metieron a la casa.

Al no ver otra alternativa, el chinito se dirigió a la comisaría a plantear su queja:

Señol comisalio, vengo a hacel una denuncia.

Sí, adelante dígame…

Vengo polque los pelos del culo me molestan…

¿Y por qué no se los corta?

Polque cuano, chinito quelel coltal pelos, el culo hache: chuit, chuit… y los pelos che van pa adentlo.