Old and New Jokes

You Are Different and Thats Bad

Dads New Wife Timothy



Pop! Goes The Hamster . . . And Other Great Microwave Games



Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets



The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad



Babar Meets the Taxidermist



Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence



The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables



Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Moms Purse



The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy



Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will



The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead



Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

Patient: OH NO! Thats awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???

Doctor: You also have Alzheimers… In three months youll forget everything I told you.

The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didnt want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.

Father, the young couple asked … is it ok to have sex before Mass ?

The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection … yes my children its ok to have sex before Mass .. but please dont block the aisles…

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, Im afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.

So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy? asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven.

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well.

However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, Mommy almost died this morning.

Fearing something terrible had happen, the father shook the girl and shouted, How do you mean, Lucy? Tell Daddy!

Well, mumbled Lucy, Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, Oh Jesus!!! Im coming!! and if it hadnt been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy.

Dear Dr. Verne:

Im gonna be gittin a tattoo removed from my most womanly bod. Being of the good redneck breeding that Im is, Is worried about affectin my good standing. I can offer you no better reason than my old man dont like me having my ex-old mans name writ on me, so Ims getting rid of it.

Verne, please tell me straight: Am I getting woosified? Or should I replace the tattoo with his name?

– Worried in Des Moines

Dear Worried:

It all depends on which kinda tattoo you got. Now if you got the exs name with the old rose on the ankle or the heart on the boob, Id lose the damn thing. Ever since them sorority chicks named Tiffany started doing it, guys might figure yous an inferior yuppie babe which talks in that high chipmunk voice and youll never get to growing your butt out to a decent size.

But if you got one of them giant serpents that covers your back, thats class. Id keep that baby and just cross out the exs name with some spray paint and write the new guy in.

Now to take what you call your precautionary measures, Id probably get your future tattoos with more commoner names, like Bob or John. If you aint shacked up with no guy named Bob or John now, chances are yous gonna be in the future. This is what business guys call your strategic planning.

But say you happen to be a man who got this same problem. Good tattoos for guys is the old Semper Fi, the anchor, MOM, skull-and-crossbones or the phone number of your bail bondsman across your knuckles.

Stuff that aint manly, and could damn well be classified as candy-assed, is the Superman logo, frat boy initials, cartoon guys, insects like butterflies that dont even bite nothing, and that damned barbed wire, which is usually weared by guys who bought their pipes at the fruity health club, instead of lifting railroad ties and eating meat.

Now if yous a guy who tattooed Cindy on his chest, but the new old lady Rhonda aint cooking no more pot pies till you get her fixed, Id just pour gas on your chest and light her up with an arc welder. Girly guys might get some of what doctors call your discomfort, which is French for Holy $#%^ that hurts! But at least youll be getting clean space to get a dragon that looks just like Rhonda. Plus you could tell chicks in bars you got them scars saving babies from burning apartments.

Chicks always go for guys who got burned up saving babies.

Dr Verne.

Q: How do you spell onomatopoeia?

A: The way it sounds.

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend. I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know its hot where youre going, but you deserve it."

Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969. The other points his thumb behind him and says, Dog crap, 20 feet back.

You might be a redneck if your mother has ammo on her Christmas list!