Old and New Jokes

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincolns secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedys secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were know by their three names.

Both names compromise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

The newlyweds were undressing, and the wife examined her disrobing husband closely for the first time: Gee, those are funny-looking knees.

Well, explained the husband, when I was a little boy, I caught neasles.

You mean measles, countered the wife.

No, neasles!

Then she looked at his feet and asked why his toes were all out of shape.

When I was young, he said, I had tolio!

The wife quipped, I just hope you didnt have smallcox.

A lawyer defending a manaccused of burglary tried this creative defense:"My client merelyinserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is nothimself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offensecommitted by his limb.""Well put," thejudge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one yearsimprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyersassistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniels. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybodys surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when youre drunk."

This is a list of humourous linguistics in various languages that
Ive encountered:

In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say
you are going Dutch, since the Dutch are well known for their
frugality. The Dutch, on the other hand, call the same arrangement
op zn Amerikaans (going American) because the Americans are
known for their egalitarian nature!

In English, the bird turkey was named as though it came from Turkey.
In Turkish, the bird is named hindi as though it came from Hindistan,
which is Turkish for India. (Any Hindi speakers wish to comment on
the Hindi name of a turkey?)

Also, in Turkish, the word for cannibal is yam yam, pronounced
yum yum as if it tasted good. Really.

French fries arent really French. In fact, they were invented by the
English (so greasy, you know), who call them chips. The French call
them pommes frites or fried apples [of the earth].

In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankforters.
In Frankfort, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Un hombre lleva a su esposa a una exposición bovina y comienzan a mirar los toros sementales. Al pasar frente al primero, leen el cartel que dice Este toro montó 50 veces el año pasado. La esposa entonces le dice al marido:

50 veces al año. Tú podrías aprender de este toro.

Luego pasan frente al segundo y leen el cartel que dice Este toro montó 100 veces el año pasado.

La esposa le dice al marido:

100 veces al año, casi 2 veces por semana. Tú podrías aprender de este toro.

Finalmente, llegan al último semental y el cartel dice Este toro montó 365 veces el año pasado.

La esposa le dice al marido:

¡Mira! ¡365 veces al año, todos los días! Sí que podrías aprender de este toro.

Y el marido responde:

¿Y por qué no preguntas si fueron 365 veces con la misma vaca?

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.



3. Its considered tacky to take a cooler to church.



4. If you have to vacuum the bed its time to change sheets.



5. Even if youre CERTAIN that you are included in the will … it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.



DINING OUT



1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the vine.



2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.



ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME



1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.



2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table … no matter how good his manners are.



PERSONAL HYGIENE



1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using ones OWN truck keys.



2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.



3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a womans jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.



DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)



1. Always offer to bait your dates hook, especially on the first date.



2. Be aggressive. Let her know youre interested: Ive been wantin to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.



3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say Monday. If the latter is the answer it is the mans responsibility to get her to school on time.



THEATER ETIQUETTE



1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.



2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.



WEDDINGS



1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.



2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.



3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.



4. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks & shoes for this special occasion.



DRIVING ETIQUETTE



1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.



2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.



3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.



4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.



5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Your mommas teeth are so yellow . . .

I cant believe theyre not butter.

Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.