What is foreplay for a Jewish American Princess?

Thirty minutes of begging.

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

A four year old girl was learning to say the Lords Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.

She said, And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail.

How many aides does it take to change President Regans lightbulb?

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, It doesnt get any better than this.

And God said, Let there be light, and there was light. And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit, and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, There goes the neighborhood.

And God said, Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth. And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, I know how I can get back in this game.

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, You want fries with that?

And Man said, Supersize them. And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad.

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerrys. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, I have sent thee heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.

And Satan brought forth chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, Youre running up the score, Devil.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, It is good. And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.

Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine, said the nun, gently patting his hand. We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance? No, Im not, the man whispered hoarsely.

Then can you pay in cash? persisted the nun. Im afraid I cannot, Sister.

Well, do you have any close relatives? the nun questioned sternly. Just my sister in New Mexico, he volunteered. But shes a humble spinster nun. Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters – they are married to God!

Really?, said Mr. Smith. In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!

Q: Whats the definition of a successful musician?

A: One whose spouse has TWO jobs.

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked How would you like it if you didnt see me for a couple of days?!?

That would suit me just fine!! the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didnt see his wife.

Tuesday went by with the same result.

Wednesday went by with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

Established 1903 – We support monkey business

Theres a new Kosher Japanese restaurant opening soon. Its called So-Sue-Me.

Well, while were at it, I once ordered a pizza with anchovies, and
when it came there were 2 or 3 tiny pieces of anchovy on it. When I
complained, the serving person said, Well, most people dont like
anchovy.

Derek Wills
Department of Astronomy, University of Texas,