16
Apr

Mom vs Dad

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, Im tired, and its getting late. I think Ill go to bed.

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next days lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took a casserole out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowl on the table and prepared the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.

She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.

Hubby called, I thought you were going to bed.

Im on my way, she said. She put some water into the dogs dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular Im going to bed. And he did.

16
Apr

Police receiving a grant to fight the DUI problem

Quoted a line from a Twin City-Valley Press story about the South Charleston Police Department receiving a grant to help it combat the DUI (Driving Under Influnece) problem:

Proceeds of the grant will be used for the purpose of placing an additional officer on the roadways while under the influence.

16
Apr

Tennessee Divorce

Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

A: Someone is going to lose a trailer.

15
Apr

2 Mexicans

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).

He tells them, O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words cheese and liver in a sentence.

So, the first guy says, I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch.

The agent says, That was good, you can go. What about you? he asks the second guy.

He says, Liver alone. Cheese mine.

15
Apr

Q. How do you scare a man?

Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

15
Apr

Tres negros en la crcel

Tres negros en la cárcel de Sudáfrica (antes de Mandela). Uno le comenta a otro:

¿Cuantos años te han echado?

7 años.

¿Por qué?

Iba andando por la calle, cuando decidí cruzar al otro lado, me atropelló un coche de un blanco, y le atravesé la luna delantera.

¿De qué te acusaron?

Allanamiento de morada. ¿Y a ti?

Me han echado 15 años por una cosa parecida a la tuya.

¿Cuál?

Iba caminando por una calle; cuando decidí cruzarla, me atropelló un coche de un blanco, le atravesé la luna delantera y la trasera.

¿Y de que te acusaron?

Allanamiento de morada e intento de fuga.

El tercer negro interviene: Pues a mí me han echado 25 años también por una cosa parecida.

¿Cuál?

Iba por la calle; cuando decidí cruzarla, me atropelló el coche de un blanco, entré por la luna delantera, salí por la trasera y después el blanco se bajó del coche y me clavó un hacha en el pecho.

¿Y de qué te acusaron?

Allanamiento de morada, intento de fuga y tenencia ilícita de armas.

15
Apr

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

154. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.

15
Apr

Nice guys finish last but

Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.

15
Apr

A man stumbles up to

15
Apr

Id rather have a bottle

Id rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.