Old and New Jokes

How did the sand get wet?

The sea weed!

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the childrens sermon, and all the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?



The little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on microphone, Yes, and my Mom says its a Bitch to iron.

Collards is green, my dogs name is Blue, and Im so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze, softer than Blues and without all them fleas.



You move like the bass, which excite me in May, you aint got no scales but I luv you anyway.



Yore as satisfyn as okry, jist a-fryn in the pan, yore as fragrant as snuff right out of the can.



You have somea yore teeth, for which I am proud, I hold my head high when were in a crowd.



On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, Im in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.



Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.



Like a good roll of duct tape yore there fer yore man, to patch up lifes troubles and fix what you can.



Yore as cute as a June bug a-buzzin overhead, you aint mean like those far ants I found in my bed.



Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.



When you hold me real tight like a padded gun rack, my life is complete; aint nuttin I lack.



Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin, despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin.



Me n yous like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.



Some men, they buy chocolate, they git it at Wal-Mart, its romantic that way.



Some men git roses on that special day, from the cooler at Kroger. Thats impressive, I say.



Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth, diamonds are forever, they explain, suave and couth.



But for this man, honey, these wont do, cause yore too special, you sweet thang you.



I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds… ITS A NEW TROLLIN MOTOR!!



Luv, BUBBA

Zalls Laws: First Law – Anytime you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong. Second Law – How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door youre on.

Overheard at the White House Super Bowl XXXII party:

For the last time, Bill. Its not pronounced Triple-X? Aye, aye!

You might be a redneck if…
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

All the things my mother taught me:

My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE –

If youre going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!

My mother taught me RELIGION –

You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

If you dont straighten up, Im going to knock you into the middle of next week!

My mother taught me LOGIC:

Because I said so, thats why.

My mother taught me FORESIGHT –

Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case youre in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY –

Keep laughing and Ill *give* you something to cry out.

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS –

Shut your mouth and eat your supper!

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM –

Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!

My mother taught me about STAMINA –

Youll sit there til all that spinach is finished.

My mother taught me about WEATHER –

It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS –

If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY –

If Ive told you once, Ive told you a million times – dont exaggerate!!!

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE –

I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION –

Stop acting like your father!

My mother taught me about ENVY –

There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who dont have wonderful parents like you do!

Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.

All the ladies down on the floor, one handsome robber commanded.

My grandmother too? the little girl asked. Yes, your grandmother too!

All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses.

My grandmother too? Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties.

Surely you dont mean my grandmother too? asked the little girl.

Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart.

When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled, YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. Say, Whats your name, mister? she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. Its Snow—-Roy Snow, he answered, and whats yours? Me, Im June—-June Hansen, she said. After a short while she asked, Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances? Can you imagine what it might be like, he replied, …having eight inches of Snow in June?

Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which theyd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, I wouldnt eat that if I were you.

Why not? I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!

——————— There were three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer , and a Vancouver guy. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out.

I will give you each one wish; thats three wishes in total! The Newfie said, I am a fisherman, my dads a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish. Poof! The oceans were full of fish.

The Quebecer was amazed! He said, I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in! Poof! There was a wall around Quebec.

The Vancouver guy said, Tell me more about this wall. The genie said, Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.

So, the Vancouver guy said, Fill it up with water!

——————— Did You hear about the Redneck who… Spent four days in Sears looking for a miscarriage. Took his expectant wife for the grocery store because they had free delivery. Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game. Put iodine on his pay check because he got a cut in pay. Was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman. Was feeling so low, he got his face slapped. Lost his girlfriend because he couldnt remember where he laid her. Thought asphalt was rectal trouble. Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period. Bought a union suit because his wife was having labor pains. Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed. Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass. Smelled good only on the right side, he didnt know where to buy Left Guard. Studied for five days to take a urine test. Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease. Went to the outhouse, put one leg in each hole, then crapped his pants.

——————— Proof Positive that Jesus was Jewish:

1. His Bar Mitzvah was catered.

2. He lived at home until he was

30.

3. He swore his mother was a virgin.

4. And his Mother thought he was God.

——————— Q: Why do Italians not like Jehovah Witness?

A: They dont like ANY Witnesses!