Old and New Jokes

What do men and women have in common?

They both distrust men.

1.That theres my brand new pickup truck, and its paid for.
2.I won this here buckle at the Calgary Stampede
3. Honest Mr. I was just helping that sheep over the fence!

You might be a redneck if…
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Always give 100% at work…….

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Fridays

And remember …….

When youre having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.

Now get back to work!

Little Timmy is playing on the street when he spots a package of Viagra pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately recognizes the possibilities and approaches his daddy, Dad, I just found these, and Im willing to sell them to you for $100 straight.

Son, well, while this is a very good offer, Im in perfect physical health and not currently needing those. Tell you what, go ask Grandpa.

So Timmy walks over and asks his grandfather, Gramps, I will sell you this package of Viagra for $100.

Oh, thanks Timmy, but are you sure these will work? asked his grandfather.

Gee, I dont know, said Timmy. But they do look like the ones that were shown on TV!

Tell you what, Timmy, Ill try them tonight and if they work okay, Ill give you the money tomorrow.

The next morning, Timmy visits his grandfather again, and Gramps hands over $500 without hesitation. Timmy is perplexed, But Gramps, I thought we agreed on $100.

Thats okay, Timmy, keep it, replied the grandfather. The rest is from Grandma!

The technician who signs out your camera cant stop laughing
Your cold makes your voice sound like Jerry Lewis
The friggin things warped
The second after your batteries stop charging, theyre completely dead
Your B-roll has poppy seeds [bah-dum]
Everyone you interview insists on speaking in pig-latin
Your editing room is titled Hell
The footage is 32 hours of feet
Title: Mailboxes, Big and Small
We had a video project due?!

[Im perfectly willing to explain anything you found confusing. I tried to stay away from techie terms, but I do write these lists for my *own* amusement… :)]

Ever wonder why bra sizes are lettered from A to F and beyond? Here is a user
definition for those who dont know!

A – Almost boobs

B – Barely there

C – Can do

D – Damn good

E – Enormous

F – Fake!

A Gorilla goes into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. The barman thinks, What would a gorilla know about drinks? and charges him $20. The gorilla downs the drink and orders another.

The barman charges him the same price again. He thinks for a minute and then says to the gorilla You know we dont get many gorillas in here.

The gorilla looks at the barman and says, ,At these prices I dont bloody wonder.

Q. Whats long and hard and brown and sticky all over?

A. A stick.

Q: Whats the difference between taxation with representation and
taxation without representation?

A: Nothing.