Old and New Jokes

Veterinarians have evening hours.
Your kitten wont be able to disturb the whole movie with its crying. Hell, you dont even have to take the kitten with you, and if you dont, you dont even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
Your kitten wont grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.
Kittens look cute if they havent had a bath in a month.
You probably dont have to lie awake nights wondering how youre going to finance your kittens college education.
No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you dont want to breast feed your kitten.
No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.
Dan Quayle cant accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you arent married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.
No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the Number One reason why kittens are better than babies…

You only have to change the litter box once a day.

This guy enters a contest to see who can write the dirtiest limerick.

He writes a real doozie and figures that hes a lead-pipe cinch to win. Six weeks later he gets a notice in the mail that hes come in second place. Curious as to what could be filthier than the limerick he entered, he calls up the contest judge.

The judge says, Well, you certainly had a fine entry, but there was one that just was hands-down dirtier than yours. Id read it to you, but there are certain words I just cant say over the telephone.

All right, the contestant says, when you come to a word you cant say on the phone, just say the word blank.

So the contest judge says, Good. Heres the winner:

Blankety, blankety, blank

Blankety, blankety, blank.

Blankety blank,

Blankety blank,

Blankety blankety fuck.

Quotes about computers and software and other things
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Collected by Steen Hansen Hviid, Columbus, Ohio, USA

Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things,
because that would also stop them from doing clever things.
–Doug Gwyn

Walking on water and developing software from a specification
are easy if both are frozen.
— Edward V. Berard, Life-Cycle Approaches

True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches.
Once youve turned the light on everyone can see……….
– unknown

An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot
– Rich Julius

The C Programming Language – A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.

Pascal – A programming language named after a man who would
turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I havent lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape somewhere.

CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh!!

PROGRAM – n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn
ones input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime
similar to banging ones head against a wall, but with fewer
opportunities for reward.

On the Internet, nobody knows youre a dog.
– cartoon in the New Yorker

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it
correct, not tried it.
Donald Knuth

Beware of programmers with screwdrivers.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

PCMCIA – People Cant Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

Windows, another fine product from the folks who gave us EDLIN.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving
to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
winning.
— Rich Cook

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
— Bjarne Stroustrup

Ive never met a human being who would want to read 17,000
pages of documentation, and if there was, Id kill him to get him out
of the gene pool.
— Joseph Costello, President of Cadence

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement
and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also
simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
— FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should,
therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
— E. W. Dijkstra

It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
— Dijkstra

Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.
— Joshua Heller

The Internet is mightier than the pen.

I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and
low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born
relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the
crust to be absent — not because I wanted to know the answer, but because
I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular
case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsars
temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error.
I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
program to the point where it would not run at all.
— George Greenstein,
Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars

A system admins life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has
over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On
the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
new versions of their own innards!
— Michael OBrien

Recently, there was a public television special honoring writer Larry Gelbart, whose credits include the TV show M*A*S*H*, the movies Tootsie and Oh, God, and the Broadway revival of A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum.

At one point, Carl Reiner was seated between Gelbart and Mel Brooks, talking about the days when they all worked for Sid Ceasar.

One great moment went something like this:

Carl Reiner: (pointing at Larry Gelbart) Im sitting between the wittiest and (pointing at Mel Brooks) funniest people that I know.

(With perfect timing, Mel Brooks does a spit-take and sprays a mouthful of water at the audience.)

Host: Can you tell us what the difference is between witty and funny?

Larry Gelbart: (without missing a beat) Witty is dry.

Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction center for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, I hear that if you dont have any teeth they wont take you. They decide its worth a try, so they stop at a Dentist and have all their teeth pulled.

When they arrive at the Induction Center there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line. Just as he steps into line, a big ol farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the 2nd toothless guy lines up behind him.

The first toothless guy steps up and the doc asks, Anything wrong with you?

The Guy says, Well, no, except I dont have any teeth.

The Doc says, Open up and let me have a look. The Guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, Sure enough, you stand over there. The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The Farm boy steps up and the doc asks, Anything wrong with you?

The Farm Boy says, No doc, ceptin I have a little case of the piles.

The doctor says, Bend over, spread em and let me see.

The Boy does so.

The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, Sure enough. Youve got em, stand over there.

The next toothless guy steps up and when the doctor asks him, Anything wrong with you?

He bellows, NOT GODDAMN THING, JUST GIVE ME THE GUN!!!

how many jews can you fit in a beetle

The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens. He walked up to the front door and found it open.

He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen, he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched she kept stirring and stirring.

After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth.

She asked, How do you do it on Earth?

With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom and Ill show you. After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette.

Well, she said, where is the baby?

He said Oh, that takes nine months.

Well why did you stop stirring?

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.

Un excéntrico millonario compra una momia egipcia en un millón y medio de dólares, y decide certificar su autenticidad. Para eso, la manda al Museo de Egiptología de Texas. Allí, tras algunas pericias infructuosas, se declaran incompetentes y le recomiendan que la lleve a la Universidad de París.

El tipo la lleva a París, donde le dicen lo mismo y le recomiendan que vaya a Egipto.

El millonario entonces se va con la momia a Egipto. Recorre el Museo de El Cairo, la Academia de Antropología, la Academia de Historia y nada. Cuando está saliendo del último museo se le acerca un ordenanza y le dice:

¿Usted quiere averiguar todo sobre esa momia?

Sí.

Bueno, yo le voy a dar una dirección, pero por favor usted no diga que se la dí yo. Mire, vaya a la Policía Federal en Buenos Aires, en la Argentina. Pida hablar con este Sargento, él lo va a ayudar.

El tipo va a la Argentina, se dirige al Departamento de Policía y pide hablar con el Sargento indicado por el ordenanza egipcio.

Mire, me dijeron que hable con usted, que me iba a poder ayudar… Yo quiero averiguar lo más posible sobre esta momia.

Déjemela y venga dentro de un par de días.

El millonario vuelve a los tres días totalmente desesperanzado y le pregunta al Sargento:

¿Y? ¿Cómo va la cosa?

Mire, se trata del Rey Thor IIX, tío abuelo de Tutankamon, que vivió en los años 1300 a. de C. Había sido amante de la esposa del abuelo de Tutankamon y por esto se peleó con su hermano muriendo en la lucha y dejando el reino a su sobrino, el padre de Tutankamon. Además, también parece que era un depravado porque intentó violar a su hija. De chico sus padres le pegaban, lo que lo marcó para toda su vida y…

Pare, pare. ¿Cómo averiguó todo esto?

Al principio costó un poquito, pero cuando lo apretamos enseguida largó todo.

Una niña que le pregunta a su madre:

Mamá, ¿cómo se hacen los niños?

Niña, a los hijos los trae la cigüeña.

Entonces, ¿quien se coge a la cigüeña?