If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? I asked the children in my Sunday school class. NO! the children all answered. If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven? Again the answer was, NO!Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven? I asked them again. Once more they all answered, NO! Well, I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, then how can I get into heaven? A five-year-old boy shouted out, You gotta be dead!
14
Apr
14
Apr
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided
to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, Is this
a union house?
No, Im sorry it isnt.
Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?
The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped
off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued as long as you want to draw things out,
until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, Why yes,
this is a union house.
And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?
The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.
Thats more like it! the man said. He looked around the
room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. Id like her
for the night.
Im sure you would, sir, said the madame, gesturing to a
fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, but Ethel here has seniority.
14
Apr
Q. Why cant blonds work at the M & M Factory?
A. They throw out all the Ws.
14
Apr
Friends,
As the new year heats up with the lists customary misunderstandings I wanted to make a few suggestions so that we never have to go without. The list nearly died of neglect over the holidays when people went out of town and forgot to post parting shots at their favorite adversaries. Without those little arrows of rancor and wit the digital fires nearly expired and the communications depended on humor and sexual innuendo to keep any kind of passion in play.
In order to avoid such a bleak period again, empty of the juicier emotions and wittier, sharp edged repartee, I offer the following. The principles have been successfully tested time and time again as many of you have witnessed. Please feel free to draw on them when bored, feeling malicious but uninspired, when your self esteem needs a hit of self righteousness to get straight, or anytime youre in the mood for a brawl. The principles applied with thought, or especially without thought, are guaranteed to give you a rush of indignation and adrenalin. Develop your skill and you can enjoy not only the contest with its delicious sense of meaningful conflict but also the pleasure of crushing the opponents pride. (And how sweet it is.)
Make sure you bring up your views on abortion, capital punishment, Christianity, and the political party you least like, regularly. When you do so, do so with vigor, enthusiasm, and scorching wit. Who knows, you may eventually beat those who embrace the opposite (wrong) side of the argument into submission and they will convert to your views, thereby making the world a better place.
Refer to your opponents in arguments (or debates that hold the promise of becoming arguments) as facists as often as possible. Suggest that their views parallel the Nazis at least once in any good flame war.
Point out the shortcomings of the opposite gender. Use tasteless jokes. Base all characterizations of the opposite gender on the very worst traits of your ex or current spouse, or your ex or current love interest. If you havent personally been mistreated while remaining spotlessly innocent use other peoples histories.
When youve managed to get a good heated exchange going try to score points by using a vocabulary that will drive your opponent to the dictionary. Mock any attempts on their part to do the same. If possible humiliate them with ironic references to misspellings, ill conceived sentence construction, or, best, inappropriate word usage. Winning in this area makes you sexier.
Never apologize. If you make an error in thinking blame it on the muddy post to which you are responding. If you act like an idiot, a boor, a bore, or a whiner, do the same.
When inspired make sure you word your attacks and counterattacks so that you leave no opening for your adversary to capitulate to your view except in disgrace. Try to make certain that every avenue of response is a path of shame.
If you start to slip in an argument attack the person. Its most helpful to know something personal about them but the medium has restrictions in this area. I recommend keeping a catalog of stupid, awkward, or embarrassing posts that people make so you can throw them in their face later as proof of their deficiencies as a human.
If someone does the same to you respond that in their reliance on ad hominem attacks the argument has deteriorated to a level that no longer warrants your participation. This can be a winning blow if played properly. Be subtle here, and clever; try to convey the sense of your opponent as dim-witted, ethically degenerate, desperate, and outmanuevered by your overwhelming intellectual superiority. The real joy here is that you can neatly do away with any respect due your opponent, slander his character, lacerate his pride, and, if done properly and with elan, simultaneously represent yourself as a man or woman whose ethics and moral sensitivity make it impossible for you to do what you just did. This one is a real gem and when executed gracefully an act of art.
Remember that you are always right. And I do mean always. No matter what forces are marshalled against you, no matter how reasonable, humble, or generous, dont give an inch, dont be swayed. You are always right. Its the other side that caused this ruckus and keeps it going.
Always insist on the last word. The only honorable finish is unconditional capitulation by your adversaries or their defeated silence.
I trust that these guidelines will be of aid. I find myself too often relegated to the sideline carrying as I do the sandwich board for a business on my digital body. So onward comrades! Dont flag! Dont apologize! Draw out your rapier wit, your unshielded anger, your superiority, your sarcasm, your electric selves! Think of your great beauty as you weave back and forth, the words your blades. Eventually Ill get a second internet account and, being then anonymous and free of reflecting negatively on the business, will join you. How my blood cries out!
With envy,
Mark Dahlby
14
Apr
You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you cant fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.If someone in your family grows beyond 5 9, it is presumed his Mother had an affair.There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.And you REALLY, REALLY know youre Italian when:Your grandfather had a fig tree.You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.Your moms meatballs are the best.Youve been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.Plastic on the furniture is normal.You know how to pronounce manicotti and mozzarella.You fight over whether its called sauce or gravy.
14
Apr
Man says to God, God, why did you make woman so beautiful? God says, So you would love her.
But God, the man says, why did you make her so dumb? God replies, So she would love you.
14
Apr
I woke up early feeling a little depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, Another year older, but decided to make the best of it.
So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say Happy Birthday, dear.
All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didnt say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought to myself, oh well, she just forgot.
The kids will be in in a few minutes all cheery and they will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me. There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited.
Finally the kids came running in yelling, Give me a slice of toast, Im late, Where is my coat, and Im going to miss the bus. Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a smile and a Happy Birthday, Boss and said, Ill get you some coffee. Her remembering made me feel a lot better.
Later in the morning my secretary knocked on my office door, and said, Since its your birthday why dont we have lunch together.
Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, Thats a good idea.
So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday I said, Why dont we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place.
So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way place and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch, and started driving back to town, when my secretary said, Why dont we go to my place and I will fix you another martini.
It sounded like a good idea, since we didnt have anything to do in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed us both a martini and after a while she said If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable, and she left the room.
In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake and following her was my wife and all my kids, and there I sat with nothing on but my socks!!!
14
Apr
A woman walks into a department store and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 single-size bedsheet
The handsome clerk at the checkout counter looks at her and says, Single, are
you?
The woman replies very sarcastically, How did you guess?
He replies, Because youre freakin ugly.
14
Apr
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweethearts birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweethearts younger sister, he went to Nordstroms and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
14
Apr
Everyone was feeling bashful, so Bashful got out.