Old and New Jokes

Another blonde, another store. . .

She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk:

I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.

Does he use the ball kind? inquired the clerk.

No, replied the blonde, The kind for under his arms.

A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, How do I look?PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.The first naked man a woman sees is Ken.Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.Oh, nothing, has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.All women are overweight by definition; dont agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but dont bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.If it is not Valentines Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, What did you do?Only women understand the reason for guest towels and the good china.All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in more trouble).Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they left the seat up instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.Women dont really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You dont see women trampli

Pongan cuidado a esta estadistica.

a) En Japón se consumen muy pocas grasas y el índice de ataques al corazón en ese país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

b) Por otro lado, en Francia se consumen bastantes grasas y aun así, el índice de ataques al corazón en ese país es menor al de Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

c) En la India apenas se bebe vino tinto y el índice de ataques al corazón en ese país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

d) En España se bebe demasiado vino tinto y el índice de ataques al corazón en este país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

f) En Argelia apenas se hace el amor y el índice de ataques al corazón en ese país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

g) En Brasil se hace mucho el amor y el índice de ataques al corazón en este país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

CONCLUSIÓN: Beba, coma y haga el amor sin parar, lo que mata es hablar inglés.

Un fulano va en un carro por la ciudad y decide darle jalón (aventón, o ride) a un mengano.

Van los dos, cuando de repente al llegar a un semáforo que cambiaba de amarillo a rojo, el fulano le mete al acelerador y pasa a toda velocidad en el cruce de calles.

¡¿Pero estás loco!?, le dice el mengano. ¡Nos vamos a matar!.

Es que un amigo mío me enseñó este truco, le dice el fulano tranquilamente.

Y así vuelve a ocurrir lo mismo en los siguientes 5 semáforos. Por supuesto que el mengano iba con el corazón en la garganta. Hasta que por fin llegan a uno que les da luz verde.

Repentinamente, el fulano pega un frenazo intempestivo y brusco.

Bueno, ¿y bien? ¿No vas a pasar con luz verde como Dios manda?, le dice el mengano.

Y contesta el fulano: No, porque no vaya a ser que por ahí se vaya a atravesar mi amigo.

Knock Knock



Whos There?





Ophelia





Ophelia Who?





Ophelia Heinie

A redneck was standing in the middle of the road yelling, 57! 57! A blonde saw her doing this so she ran to the middle of the road and started yelling, 57! 57!.

A tractor trailer was coming down the road towards them at about 60 miles per hour, so the redneck jumped to the side of the road. The blonde, however, got hit by the truck and got smeared all over the road.

Then the redneck jumped back on the road and started yelling, 58! 58!

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee

They told me I was gullible…and I believed them!

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bulls testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins.