Old and New Jokes

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says, No, of course not!

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer and hes shovelling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilise them.

The kid says, Hey, Pop, learned in college theres an easy way to do everything.

They go downtown and get some dynamite, theyre gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they dont see Grandma coming to use the outhouse.

BaBooom!

The manure goes flying and so does Grandma. Ploop! … she lands in the strawberries.

They go running up to her, Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?

She says, Yeah, Im fine. Whoo! Im certainly glad I didnt let that one go in the kitchen!

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?" He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game – 7,7."The husbands competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining… when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now whats the score?" He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"

Q: How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one one his forehead.

I get up each morning, gather my wits

Pick up the paper, and read the obits.

If Im not there, I know Im not dead.

So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?

My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.

But in spite of it all, Im able to grin,

And think of the places my get-up has been.

— Pete Seeger —

Mother, dear, how long is that thing going to be tomorrow? I want to go shopping with Mitzi.

Daughter, dear, that thing is your fathers wake.

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. Dont ask me a lot of questions, he told the boy. Just do whatever I tell you to do. One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. Get the hammer over there, he said. When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard. Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Un negro caminaba por la selva. En una rama se encontraba un mono y, cuando pasa el negro, éste le grita: ¡negro hijo de puta!

El negro se enoja con el mono y lo amenaza: vas a ver mono, ¡me la vas a pagar!

Al día siguiente vuelve a pasar el negro, lo ve el mono y de nuevo le grita: ¡negro de mierda, eres un hijo de puta!

El negro enojado lo amenaza: ¡vas a ver mono, me la vas apagar!

Y así siguió, hasta que un día, el negro lo agarra, saca un hacha y le corta la cola.

Entonces el mono le suplica: ¡Mátame, mátame por favor! ¡Mátame! ¡Ay, mátame por favor! ¡Ay!

El negro asombrado le pregunta: oye mono, ¿por qué quieres que te mate?

Porque me van a gritar ¡negro hijo de puta!, le contesta el mono.

Una señora viaja en un taxi acompañada de su hija de cinco años. Al pasar por una esquina, la chiquilla ve a unas prostitutas y pregunta:

Oye, mamá, ¿quiénes son esas señoras?

Nerviosa, la mujer responde:

Son señoras que están esperando que sus maridos salgan de trabajar, hijita.

El taxista, que venía escuchando todo, se dirige a la madre:

¡Chingado, señora, dígale la verdad: son prostitutas!

Se hace un tenso silencio. En eso, la niña lanza otra pregunta:

Oye, mami, ¿y las prostitutas pueden tener hijos?

¡Pues claro! ¿De dónde crees que salen los pinches taxistas?

Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and unwanted.

The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research and classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1



BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:



– An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so I dont have to repeat myself) – MINIMIZE BUTTON – SHUTDOWN FEATURE – SHOPPING FUNCTION – A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it wont fall asleep after sex



– A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION – DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users – A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once its uninstalled it wont come back – A MONOGAMY FEATURE – AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before theyre about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid