Old and New Jokes

Upon retiring, a couple wanted to move from the city and live a country life-style.

They went house hunting in the most secluded area they could find. One listing was a beautiful cottage home being sold by the owner, and they decided to check it out.

They were shown the house with its 2 bedrooms and den, kitchen w/breakfast nook, parlor and dining room. When the tour was done, the woman whispered something to her husband, and they both turned back to the owner.

The husband mentioned not seeing a bathroom. The owner then said, Oh, yes, walk this way …

They left the house through the back door and went down a winding walkway about 50 yards.

There, at the end of the walk was an outhouse … It was shabby looking, roof shingles missing, paint totally faded, the door had only one hinge and was hanging oddly, and in the middle of the floor was a bucket.

The woman was shocked at the sight and said to the owner, My goodness, that looks terrible, so run down. And the door has no lock.

To which the owner replied … Yanno, Maam, in all my years living here, no one has ever stolen my bucket!

An economist is back in his old college town many years after
graduation and decides to drop in on one of his old professors. He
happens to see a copy of an exam sitting on the desk, so he picks
it up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks familiar, he comments
to the professor that it is the same exam that he had taken 10 years
ago. The professor assures him that this is correct, but adds that
this time the answers are different.

I refuse to get cable. Thats how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesnt hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, Hey, whatcha doin with that pig?

Thats not a pig, you stupid ass! she said coldly. Thats a duck.

The drunk replied. I was talking to the duck.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

En una competencia para ver quién tenía el pene más largo, el primer concursante se saca la pija; ésta media 3 metros, y toda la multitud le abuchea: uuhhhhh.

Viene el segundo y se la saca: 5 metros, y la multitud se volvió loca.

El último concursante, un viejito todo raquítico, se abre el zipper y le sale un cangrejo. Toda la gente que estaba ahí se comenzó a reír; en eso, el viejito agarra el micrófono y dice al público: espérense un ratito, esos son sólo los piojos.

Al cruzar por delante de un escaparate, un tontilandés se ve reflejado en el cristal, lo que provoca que se pase todo el día pensando:

¿De qué conozco yo a ese tío que estaba en el escaparate? ¿Dónde lo he visto?

Por la noche, ya acostado sigue dándole vueltas en la cabeza y al fin cae en cuenta:

¡Coño, ya lo sé! ¡Es él que se corta el pelo delante de mí en la peluquería!

Un piquetero (agitador social), un político y una mujer fueron sometidos a un detector de mentiras. Si lo que estaban pensando no era verdad, la máquina hacía pipipipip.

Entonces el piquetero dice: Yo pienso que tenemos que dejar de hacer piquetes

Ppipipip.

El político dice:

Yo pienso que tenemos que dejar de robar plata.

Pipipipip.

Y finalmente la mujer dice:

Yo pienso…

Pipipipip.

Q: Do you now why the White House is called the White House?

A: Because sperm is not black

You might be a red neck if your dad walks you to school because youre both in the same grade!


you might be a redneck if you mow your yard and find a 1956 chevy!

How careers end…

Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.