Old and New Jokes

La señora contesta al timbre de la puerta de su casa. Ante la entrada, están dos niñitos que portan una lista en un pedazo de papel. Uno de ellos dice:

Señora, mi hermanito y yo entramos en un juego en el que, si lo ganamos, nos regalan cien pesos. Consiste en encontrar las cosas que aparecen en esta lista…

¡Y sólo nos falta por conseguir tres granos de trigo, un hueso de chuleta de carnero y un pedazo de papel carbón usado! ¿Nos puede ayudar?, interrumpe, excitado, el otro niño.

¡Guau! ¿Y quién los convenció de entrar a un juego tan difícil?, inquiere intrigada la mujer.

El novio de nuestra niñera, contestan a coro los pequeños.

Genghis Khan is looking for a few good barbarians.

THE FACTS OF LIFE

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money cant buy happiness…But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Daves Law: You cant fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you cant find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged….Sorry, Madam, came the reply,The house does not make doctor calls!

there was three nuns that died and went to heaven.when they got to the gate st peter was there and he asked the three nuns some questions about the bible the fist question waswhat was adams partners name?the first nun replied eveand she went inside,the second nun was asked what was the garden called?the second nun repliededenshe went in,finaly the third nun was asked a question he siad what was eves first thought about adam?the nun replied oh thats a hard one!

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.

After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, Bed hard! And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, Food bad! And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, I quit!

The head monk shook his head and said, I knew this was coming. Youve done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
Stock up and save. Limit: one per customer
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Hand made gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, and youll never go anywhere again.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in you home for $1.

Bill Gates in his early thirties decided that he should get married. He puts a personal ad in a newspaper and he only gets one reply. What the heck, he says and meets the woman. She is ok, so after a few weeks they get married.

On the first night of their marriage, Bill was hoping to have the greatest time of his life. He got himself stark naked in the bathroom, admired his body (!) in the mirror and walked into the bedroom where his wife was waiting.

After a few minutes of foreplay, she turns to him and says: Gee, now I know why you call your company Micro-Soft.

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid…wait…I still do!)

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton…Monica who?)

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What…they launch their Depends at em?)

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. (and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N.J.)

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. (Hey…he needed the extra pricks.)

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. (Hey testicle…I have headache. Aw SHUT UP an keep wandering!)

one day John got itching in his inner part of the thigh, he went to the chemist and asked for ITCHGUARD, Chemist give him VIAGRA and ITCHGUARD, John ask ITCHGUARD is OK but why VIAGRA?, Chemist tells him, Viagra will help in keeping the blanket up whole night,

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