Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. Youre just like Dave.

Who?

Dave Aronson. Theres a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.

There are always a few clouds over everybody, says Morris.

Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.

He was something, huh?

He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood.

No wonder you remember him.

Well, I never actually met Dave.

Then how do you know so much about him? asks Morris.

Because I married his widow.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesnt.
Signed off: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: Thats what theyre there for.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech.

How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but hell swear up and down that it was just as easy for him as it would have been for a Macintosh user.

14 Things to do While Taking a Drivers Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, buckle up!

3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesnt dirty the seat.

4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say oops.

5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, now which one is the gas again?

6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

7. Fill your car with beer bottles.

8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

11. Swear at everybody on the road.

12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

13. Beep your horn at everything.

14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the dissection table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

——————————————————————————–Ways To Have Fun in the WorkplacePage yourself over the intercom. Dont disguise your voice.Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. Thats a good point, Sparky. No, Im sorry, but Im going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha.Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what youre doing. For example: If anyone needs me, Ill be in the bathroom.Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you havent lost them as much since you did this.While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people youre waiting for your document.Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.Put your trash can on your desk. Label it IN.Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.Send e-mail messages saying theres free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, oh youve got to be faster than that.Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking,

when George W. said, I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, Ill prove it to you.

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if Im home, said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, See! That guy was really stupid!

No kidding, replied George W. There was a pay phone just around the corner…

You could have called instead?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as plucking the yew. Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!

Over the years, some folk etymologies have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since pluck yew is rather difficult to say (like pleasant mother, pheasant plucker, which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as giving the bird.