Old and New Jokes

Una pareja de amantes está retozando en la cama cuando oyen entrar al marido. Saltan de la cama y ella le calma:

No te preocupes, te voy a cubrir de talco y te estás completamente quieto para pasar por una estatua.

Rápidamente lo cubre, quedando él todo de blanco. Al momento, entra el marido en la habitación.

¿Qué tal, cariño?

Pues, muy bien, mi amor.

¿Y esta estatua?

Pues nada, vi el otro día una igual en casa de los Pérez, me gustó y la he comprado esta mañana.

Sin más comentarios se acuestan los dos.

A las tres de la madrugada, el marido se levanta, se va a la cocina, coge un vaso de leche y unas galletas y regresa a la habitación. Se acerca a la estatua y le dice al oído:

Toma, machote, que yo me pasé así tres días en la casa de los Pérez y no me ofrecieron ni un vaso de agua.

In Colorodo there is a hunting compotiton. 3 men enter it. Each guy gets an hour to catch something.



The first guy comes back with a bear skin the judge asked how did he get that bear the man said he followed the tracks and followed the tracks and found the bear.





The second guy returns with a tiger skin.



The judge asked where did he get that tiger. He answers I followed the tracks and followed the tracks and found the tiger.





The third guy comes back really beaten up and the judge asked how did that happen the hunter replies I got hit by a train the judge asked how he got hit by a train the man replies





I followed the tracks and followed the tracks until I found the train.

Your so dumb that if your brain was made of dynamite you wouldnt have enough to blow your nose.

Its for my mother-in-law, explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, My Doberman here killed her.

Gee…Thats terrible, commiserated the spectator. But… Hmmmm… Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, Get in line.

Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact

Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home.
I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the
driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and
sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and
we end up having a fight.

Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few
times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam
the door. Then I yell Honey, Im home, run upstairs, slap her on
the ass and say, How about a little love, woman? She never
even moves.

No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
Beer doesnt tell you how to have sex.
Beer has never caused a major war.
They dont force Beer on minors who cant think for themselves.
When you have a Beer, you dont knock on peoples doors trying to give it away.
Nobodys ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
You dont have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
There are laws saying Beer labels cant lie to you.
You can prove you have a Beer.
If youve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring ya martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The customer replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife… When she starts to look good, I know its time to go home.

Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the Oval Office and Bill answered.



Hillary said: Do you know what you did you rotten bastard You got me pregnant!!!



Bill remained quiet.



Again, Hillary screamed, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!



Finally Bill answered, Who is this???

Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall.

Like dogs do, it raised its leg and started to do his thing. The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.

One guy says to the other, Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?

The second man then replies, I didnt teach him. Hes done it ever since the wall fell on him!