Old and New Jokes

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, Ive got another dress for you to clean.

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, Come again?

No, says Monica. Mustard.

Actually, God made Adam white because He Himself is white. Heres the proof:…

To Moses he said I am what I am.

If He were black, Hed have said I be what I be.

Estaba un señor reparando una llanta ponchada, frente a un manicomio; al momento de quitar los tornillos se le van los cuatro por una coladera. ¡Y ahora que voy a hacer!

Uno de los locos del manicomio se asoma por la cerca y le sugiere, Quita un tornillo de las otras tres llantas y los colocas en esa, y te irás con tres en cada una.

Oye, que excelente idea; y por que estás tu ahí adentro.

¡Estoy loco, no pendejo!

48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!



1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…

2. I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

7. Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

8. I dont work here. Im a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.

14. Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one unde! rstands you doesnt mean youre an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.

21. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

27. Do I look like a people person?

28. This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.

29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

30. You!… Off my planet!

31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

34. Allow me to introduce my selves.

35. Whatever kind of look you were going ! for, you missed.

36. Well, this day was a total waste of m akeup.

37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

38. Im trying to imagine you with a personality.

39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.

41. Can I trade this job for whats behind door 1?

42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

44. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A guy finds a magic lamp and a genie comes out.

He says Ill give you three wishes but, your mother in law gets double of everything you get.



So first he wishes for 1 million dollars so his mother in law gets 2 million dollars. Then he wishes for 1,000 acers of beautiful land so his mother in law gets 2,000 acers of land. For my last wish I want you to beat me half to death. You know what happens.

Post-graduate in School of Love.

Yo mamas so thin when she turns sideways she dissapears.

One day a pregnant lady that was expecting triplets was walking through a gangster neighborhood, and was shot three times. When she went to the emergency room, the doctor said that she would live, but that the kids might experience complications as they got older.

Ten years later, the first kid came running down the stairs and said, Mommy Mommy! Guess what? I pooped a bullet!

A day or so later, the second kid came running down the stairs and said, Mommy Mommy! Guess what? I pooped a bullet!

The third kid come down the stairs and said, Mommy Mommy! Guess what?

She said, Let me guess… You pooped a bullet?

He said, No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog.

ARTERY. . . . . . . . .THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS

BACTERIA. . . . . . . .BACK DOOR OF A CAFETERIA

BARIUM. . . . . . . . .WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIES

BOWEL. . . . . . . . .A LETTER LIKE A, E, I, O, OR U

CESAREAN SECTION. . . .A NEIGHBORHOOK IN ROME

CAT SCAN. . . . . . . .SEARCHING FOR A KITTY

CAUTERIZE. . . . . . .HAD EYE CONTACT WITH HER

COLIC. . . . . . . . .A SHEEP DOG

COMA. . . . . . . . .A PUNCTUATION MARK

D & C. . . . . . . . .WHERE WASHINGTON IS

DILATE. . . . . . . .TO LIVE LONG

ENEMA. . . . . . . . .NOTA FRIEND

FESTER. . . . . . . . .QUICKER

FIBULA. . . . . . . . .A SMALL LIE

GENITAL. . . . . . . .NOT A JEW

G. I. SERIES. . . . .A SOLDIERS BALL GAME

HANGNAIL. . . . . . . .COAT HOOK

IMPOTENT. . . . . . . .DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN

LABOR PAIN. . . . . . .GETTING HURT AT WORK

MEDICAL STAFF. . . . .A DOCTORS CANE

MORBID. . . . . . . . .A HIGHER OFFER

NITRATES. . . . . . . .CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES

NODE. . . . . . . . . .WAS AWARE OF

OUTPATIENT. . . . . . .A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED

PAP SMEAR. . . . . . .A FATHERHOOD TEST

PELVIS. . . . . . . . A COUSIN TO ELVIS

POST OPERATIVE. . . . .LETTER CARRIER

RECOVERY ROOM. . . . . .PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERY

RECTUM. . . . . . . . .DAMN NEAR KILLED EM

SECRETION. . . . . . .HIDING SOMETHING

SEIZURE. . . . . . . .ROMAN EMPEROR

TABLET. . . . . . . . .SMALL TABLE

TERMINAL ILLNESS. . . . .GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORT

ULTRASOUND. . . . . . . .VERY GOOD MUSIC

URINE. . . . . . . . . .OPPOSITE OF YOURE OUT

VARICOSE. . . . . . . .NEAR BY

VEIN. . . . . . . . . .CONCEITED

(A true story from my friend in the Army)

In this particular branch of the Armys officer training school,
the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their
work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the
early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers.

Four-seven-seven-zero? he asked.
Here, replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though,
he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.

Seven-zero-seven-five? asked the instructor.
Here, repeated the student, gearing for trouble.

I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier, spoke the teacher.
Thats right, sir, answered our hero. I have a nick-number.