Old and New Jokes

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window…

Young lady, he began, I would like three pickets to titsburg. Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached…

Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, he began, and I would like the change in nipples and dimes. He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third…

Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say, he continued, if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates –

St. Fingers going to shake his peter at you!

Man: I know how to please a woman.

Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I dont accept cheap gifts.

Man: May I see you pretty soon?

Woman: Dont you think Im pretty now?

Man: Your hair color is fabulous.

Woman: Thank you. Its on aisle three at the corner drug store.

Man: You look like a dream.

Woman: Go back to sleep.

Man: I can tell that you want me.

Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.

Man: Hey, baby, whats your sign?

Woman: Do not enter. or Stop.

Man: Id go through anything for you.

Woman: Lets start with your bank account.

Man: May I have the last dance?

Woman: Youve just had it.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to your place, and Ill go to mine.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: Whats it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?

Woman: Whats it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore.

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy.

Woman: If I could see you naked, Id die laughing.

Q – Why do women have smaller feet than men?? A – So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!

Q – The dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door… which do you let in first? A – The dog of course, at least hell shut up once hes inside!

Q – What do you call a woman with 2 brain cells? A – Pregnant

Q – What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence? A – Divorced

Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use light bulbs which dont burn out, so they dont know how.

A blonde and a brunette were sitting on the park bench when the brunette said, My boyfriend used to have dandruff but then I gave him head and shoulders.

The blonde said, How do you give a man shoulders?

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa. Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, Okay, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you $50! figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blondes attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. Whats the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesnt say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, its the blondes turn. She asks the lawyer What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, so what IS the answer!?
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Va una de esas niñas locas (Homo) a hacerse ver del médico, y mientras va caminando por la calle se le olvida el nombre del Doctor.

Cuando llega y toca la puerta sale un señor y le pregunta que deseaba

La loca le dice: Perdón, este… ¿el consultorio del Doctor… VERGARA?

No, Este es el consultorio del Dr. GUEVARA.

Y la loca dice: ¡Ay Dios mío, en que habré estado pensando!

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?

1) Cain wasnt Abel.

2) Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.

3) King David sat on the throne for forty years.

4) Solomon – neither heaven nor Earth could move him.

5) Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

You so poor when i walked in your mamas house i steped on a roach your mama said clap your hans stump your feet prase the lord we got something to eat.

A simple alternative, now that McDonalds has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.

A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely obtain four Big Macs, the IW said.

Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the institute said.

Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one sandwich costs only about 59 cents.

But Russians must work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty capitalist achievement – longer than people in any other country, the IW said.