$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. $ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. $ If he goes to see a movie, itll cost him $7.00, but hell make $18,550 while hes there. $ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, hell make $618 while boiling it. $ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. $ Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. $ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. $ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. $ Hell probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. $ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. $ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. $ Hell make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. $ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, hell pull in about $5600. $ This year, hell make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isnt it? However… $ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, hell still have less than Bill Gates has today. $$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, Well thats great, just great! Some assholes got my pen!
Santa goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, What is that shiny object?
The clerk replies, That is a thermos flask. Santa then asks, What does it do?
The clerk responds, It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold. Santa says, I ll take it!
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His sardar boss sees him and asks, What is that shiny object with you?
He said, It s a thermos flask.
The boss then says, What does it do?
He replies, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
The boss said, Wow, what do you have in it?Santa replies, Two cups of coffee and a coke.
1) You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
2) You think alkaline batteries were named for a tiger outfielder.
3) Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack of beer and a bucket of smelt.
4) Owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your hometown.
5) You know how to play euchre.
6) The big mac is something you drive across.
7) You bake with soda and you drink pop.
8) You drive 76 on the highway and pass on the right.
9) Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.
10) You learned to drive a boat before you learned to ride a bicycle.
11) You know how to pronounce "Mackinac".
12) You occasionally cheer "Go Lions — and take the Tigers with you."
13) The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical definition.
14) You have ever experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
15) You expect Vernors when you order ginger ale.
16) You know that Kalamazoo not only actually exists, but that it isnt very far from Hell.
17) Your favorite holiday are Christmas, Thanksgiving and the first day of deer season (for which schools are officially closed).
18) Your snowmobile and fishing boat have a big block Chevy engine.
19) At least one member in your family disowns you for the week of the Michigan vs. Michigan State football game.
20) Your year has two seasons, winter and construction.
21) You know what a millage is.
22) Travelling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon.
23) Half the change in your pocket is Canadian.
24) You can identify an Ohio accent.
25) You show people where you grew up by pointing to your right hand.
10. It doesnt take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to Melrose Place and got a Error 404 message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV–even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an Under Construction sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just cant find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes dont beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You cant surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
We Three Students Of Chemistry Are
We three students of chemistry are
taking tests that we think are hard
Stoichiometry, volumes and densities
worrying all the time.
O room of wonder
room of fright
Room of thermites
blinding light:
With your energies
please dont burn us
Help us get our labs all right.
Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
There were two men sitting in a bar drinking. One man said to the other You know what? I know this bridge, where you can jump off and you bounce right back.
So the other man says, No way thats ridiculous. It simply cannot be possible.
The first replies, Come on, Ill show is to you then.
So the men, both quite tipsy, saunter out of the bar and walk to the bridge. When they arrive at the bridge the first man say’s, Here Ill show you how it works.
So he climbs up on the edge and jumps off. Seconds later low and behold the man seems to just bounce back up astounding the second man.
The second man says Hey man, do that again! I cant believe it… So the first jumps off again and immediately comes flying back up again.
After seeing this the second man decides to give it a try, after all it all seems quite safe, so he climbs up and jumps off.
After a few moments, the second man doesnt return, so the first man walks back to the bar, sits down and orders another drink.
The bartender after noticing the second man is missing, turns to the first man and says, Superman, youre so damn cruel when youre drunk!
The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexican
with a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.
Take my money, my car but dont kill me, said the tourist.
I no kill you if you do what I say, said the Mexican.
Just unzip your pants and start masturbating, he ordered.
Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. Right, now
do it again said the Mexican.
The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed
again.
And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead.
With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort
and fell exhausted.
Good said the Mexican, now you give my sister a ride to the
next village.
You know youre a redneck if you think the last four words of the national anthem are:
Gentlemen, start your engines!