Old and New Jokes

In Poland, half of the households are waiting for telephones.
The other half are waiting for dial tones.

A BLONDE WAS SITTING ON A PARK BENCH CRYING.I WALKED UP TO HER AND ASKED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS? SHE REPLIED; MY DAD JUST DIED. IM SO SORRY I SAID ;YOU NEED TO TALK TO A FAMILY MEMBER ? SHE SAID YES AND I LET HER USE MY CELL PHONE. SHE CALLED HER SISTER AND AS SHE TALKED SHE BEGAN TO WEEP EVEN MORE. I ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG NOW? SHE SAID MY SISTERS DAD DIED TOO.

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.

There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

Where ya been?

he slurred.

I dont know, gushed the other guy, but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q; Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: Its called, Sosumi.

Q: Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
A: People couldnt decide which side to spit on.

Q: Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Why does a mans penis have a hole in it? So he can get oxygen to his brain.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
I have just the thing, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. Just place this between your cheek and gum.
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, And what if I swallow it?
No problem, says the barber. Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: the Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each mans penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling* Oh, Patrick, says the Monsignor, I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.



The candidate leaves.



The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling*



Joseph, Joseph, sighs the Monsignor. You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.



The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally,exhausted, she quits.



Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you, says the Monsignor. Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.



*Ting-a-ling*

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out
of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ships loss. To a man they
claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the
trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within
minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the planes hold and hastily taken
off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a
now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves,
they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of
Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.