Old and New Jokes

You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken. 56.There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.

Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.

One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.

Entra un tipo a la sala del doctor y dice: Doctor, tengo sida ¿qué puedo hacer?

El doctor se queda pensativo y le dice: Cómete un kilo de naranjas por la manana otro kilo de naranjas por la tarde y otro kilo de naranja por la noche.

Pero doctor, eso me va a mandar al baño todo el día.

Y el doctor dice:

¡Eso es para que aprendas para qué sirve el culo!

A guy goes in a bar and gets really drunk and starts to walk home. Every 2 steps he falls.

So he is 2 steps away from his doorway and he falls in. Then he tries to walk up the stairs quietly and get in bed.



In the morning his wife gets up before him and says Were you drinking lastnight?



He asks, how did you know?



She says you left your wheelchair at the bar

President Clinton has vehemently denied that he told former intern
Monica Lewinsky to lie.

What I actually said, claims the President, was to lie down.

Dont believe in superstition — it brings bad luck.

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cant figure out how to start it.

Her friend asks Whats the puzzle supposed to look like?
The blonde says From the picture on the box, its a tiger.

So, the blondes friend figures that hes pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:

First, no matter what I do, Im not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.

Second, Id advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!

One night, the Potatofamily sat down to dinner. Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal,the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have anannouncement to make." "And what might thatbe?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughters eyes. "Well," repliedthe daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "Im getting married!" The other daughterssquealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! Thats wonderful! Andwho are you marrying, Eldest daughter?" "Im marrying aRusset!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russetis a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" As the family shared in theeldest daughters joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother, I too, have anannouncement." "And what might thatbe?" asked Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how tobegin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am gettingmarried!" "You, too!"Mother Potato said with joy. "Thats wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening!And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?" "Im marrying anIdaho," beamed the middle daughter. "An Idaho!" saidMother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" Once again, the room camealive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughterinterrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Umm, I, too, have anannouncement to make." "Yes?" saidMother Potato with great anticipation. "Well," began theyoungest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her,"I hope this doesnt come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!" "Really?" saidMother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! Whatwonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?" "Im marrying DanRather!" "Dan Rather?!" Mother Potato scowledsuddenly. "But hes just a common tater!"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, Please be gentle, Im still a virgin.

What? said the puzzled groom. How can that be if youve been married ten times?

Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said hed look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldnt get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didnt know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasnt sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that Ive married you, Im really excited!

Good, said the new husband, but, why?

Youre a lawyer. This time I know Im gonna get screwed!

There was a little 7 year old boy, appearing in court, charged with rape. His laywer, was a 26 year old lady.

Good looking, very good looking.

She asked the judge if she couldt show him someting. The judge gave her permission.

The laywer asked the boy to pull down his pants. She took the boys private parts in her hand, shake it, and asked the judge if he couldt believe that her client, couldt have raped a 32 year old woman with this in her hands.

The boy looked up to his laywer and said Please miss., if your gonna keep on shaking them, we are gonna loose this case!