Old and New Jokes

[Ed: Reportedly told in the November 88 Playboy Party Joke Column]

Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada.
Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, Remember only one
moose, because the plane wouldnt be able to take off with more weight
than that. The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to
pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.

The pilot fumes, I told you guys only one moose, youll have to leave one
because we wont be able to take off with that much weight. Oh, cmon,
beg the two hunters, Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, youre
just a chicken.

Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to
bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake,
straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as
they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the
lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks
at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, Where are we? To which
the other hunter replies, Oh, Id say about a hundred yards farther than
last year.

Joe Dakes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dinah!
Dinah who?
Dinah shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!

Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.

Note: Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report activities while he was gone.

A few days later he received this report:

Most Honble Sir,

You leave the house.
I watch house.

He come to house.
I watch.

He and she leave house.
I follow.

He and she get on train.
I follow.

He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree – look in window.

He kiss she.
She kiss he.

He strip she.
She strip he.

He play with she.
She play with he.

I play with me.
Fall out of tree.

Not see.
No fee.

When Cats Are Like Men

* They are independent.

* They dont listen.

* They dont come in when you call.

* They like to stay out all night.

* They like to watch things move.

* They like to catch prey.

* They like to play.

* They treat you well when you feed them.

* When youre trying to get things done, they want your attention.

* When theyre at home, they like to be left alone and sleep!

A young girl of 12 gets up in the middle of the night for a glass of water.

Hearing muffled noises coming from her parents room, she quietly peeks her



head in. Shes been very curious about sex, and thinks that that must be



what her parents are doing….





She soundlessly returns to bed and resolves to ask her mother about it in



the morning. At breakfast she asks her mother, Mommy, whats sex?





Sex happens when a man and woman get married, her mother replies. The



man puts his penis into the womans vagina and they make a baby.





The little girl thinks for a minute and says, Mommy, last night I saw you



with Daddys penis in your mouth! What do you get when you do that?





Her mother smiles and says, Jewelry!

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢ant think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his sons letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Cookes Law: In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

Two americans were walking through Leicester but couldnt agree on how to pronounce it so they decided to stop for lunch and ask the waitress.

They sat down to eat their lunch and called the waitress over:

Can you tell us where we are please but say it slowly,

to which the waiteress replied Bur-ger Ki-ng

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems.

Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.

He replied – Oh No! – thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.

The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess saying … Madam – I did not know there was a choice.