Three ladies passing by the door to the mens locker room at the local country club, accidently catch a brief glimpse of a man with his face obscured by the towel he is using to dry his hair, but they get a good view of his nakedness from the waist down.
The first lady says, Well, I didnt see his face, but hes certainly not my husband!
The second lady says, And he isnt mine, either!
The third lady says, Hell, he isnt even a member of the club!
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. “My wife,” the man replied. “Im sorry,” said Bill, “what happened to her?” “My dog bit her and she died.” Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?” To which the man replied, “Get in line.”
TOP 10 LINES FROM STAR WARS
10) Get in there you big furry oaf, I dont care what you smell!
9) Luke, at that speed do you think youll be able to pull out in time?
8) Put that thing away before you get us all killed.
7) Youve got something jammed in here real good.
6) Arent you a little short for a stormtrooper?
5) You came in that thing? Youre braver than I thought.
4) Sorry about the mess…
3) Look at the size of that thing!
2) Curse my metal body, I wasnt fast enough!
1) She may not look like much, but shes got it where it counts, kid.
TOP 10 LINES FROM THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
10) I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.
9) Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?
8) Theres an awful lot of moisture in here.
7) But now we must eat. Come, good food, come…
6) Thats okay, Id like to keep it on manual control for a while.
5) Hurry up, golden-rod…
4) I mustve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?
3) Possible he came in through the south entrance.
2) And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!
1) Control, control! You must learn control!
TOP 10 LINES FROM RETURN OF THE JEDI
10) Hey, point that thing someplace else.
9) I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.
8) Youre a jittery little thing, arent you?
7) I never knew I had it in me.
6) Someone mustve told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab.
5) There is good in him, Ive felt it.
4) I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can. Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.
3) Grab me, Chewie. Im slipping – hold on. Grab it, almost…you
almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!
2) Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me – now I owe you one.
1) Back door, huh? Good idea!
Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth the rain of steel.
Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth unwanted guests to chow.
Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye them red.
Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies eyes are upon thee.
Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth not in yon wood.
Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear as a star in the East.
Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare telleth thine enemy thy location.
Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not in yon desert.
Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth pretty pictures.
Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies maketh war not on bushes.
Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like tent draped in net.
Thou shalt hide the wires of thy commo, for they pointeth to thee.
Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will finish you all.
Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy presence.
Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies are listening.
What does HMO stand for?
This is actually a variation of the phrase, Hey, Moe! Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a
patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was
poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical
finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral
slips, but the result remains the same.
Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
No. Only those you need.
I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?
Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.
These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no
longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
longer part of the plan. But dont worry — the remaining doctor who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half
days drive away!
What are pre-existing conditions?
This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they
want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to
be pre-stuck with it.
Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
Certainly, as long as they dont require any treatment.
What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
Youll need to find alternative forms of payment.
My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.
What should I do?
Poke yourself in the eye.
I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly
cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery,
but Id already paid my bill. What should I do?
You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement
check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in
one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about,
like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
No, I mean what if Im away from home and I get sick?
You really shouldnt do that. Youll have a hard time seeing
your primary care physician. Its best to wait until you return, and
then get sick.
I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his office?
Hard to say, but considering that all youre risking is the $10
co-payment, theres no harm giving him a shot at it.
What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Will health care be any different in the next century?
No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Written by David Lubar
"Im prescribing
these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient,
who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I dont want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor
twice a day and pick them up, one at a time…."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, Oh Jack, give me a pint o the brandy.
Sister Mary Katherine, exclaimed Jack, I could never do that! Ive never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!
Oh Jack, she responded, its only for the Mother Superior.
Her voice dropped. It helps her constipation, you know. So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was wasted.
She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!
Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied: And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes going to shit!
Things Never Said By a Redneck…
1. I just couldnt find a thing at Walmart today.
2. Trim the fat off that steak.
3. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
4. The tires on that truck are too big.
5. Ill have the arugula and radicchio salad.
6. Ive got it all on the C drive.
7. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
8. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffanys.
10. Ive got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.
Thats nothing, said the manager, you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didnt bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, I think Ill walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, I cant do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe youd better go talk to them.
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: Small world.