Old and New Jokes

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, Take another drink! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, That boy should have quit while he was a head.

A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.

Her docter told her that he couldnt perform surgery because it would be too risky.

All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

Whats wrong? asked the mother.

I was taking a pee and a bullet came out.

Its ok said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?

Yes replied the girl.

Its ok said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy came running in crying, I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. No replied the boy, I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!

A priest, a minister and a rabbi all walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says, What is this – a joke?!

You never miss any important phone calls because youre in the tub.

True Story about my 14 month old grandson, Alex:

We took him to the local mall shopping one day, and used a kiddy harness to keep track of him, since hes an active little dickens and loves to walk and explore.

As we stood watching the marvel of the escalator, a teenager headed up the stairs and said, quite loudly, Look at that kid, he looks like a little dog on a leash.

Alex promptly looked at him and said, Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

When its time to go back to childhood, hes already there.

Q: Whats cannibalism?

A: Germans eating pork …

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Q: Why cant a german get AIDS?

A: He has no friends.

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,

Were having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers God Save The Queen and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers Viva La France and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers Remember the Alamo and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

How would you like it if you didnt see me for two or three days?

To which he replied.

That would be fine with me.

Monday went by and he didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.