Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, You seem like nice young men, and Id like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. Ill see you back in court Monday.
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, How did you do over the weekend? Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever. 17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them? I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this
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and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.
Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd boy)
Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.
156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that!
Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison…..
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Thinking is hard work. One cant bear burdens and ideas at the same time.
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Why do Jewish American Princesses have crows feet?
– From squinting and saying Suck What?
Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
OK, so theres this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. Shes cruisin about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45.
To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back.
Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.
The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.
The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde.
When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically.
He asks her, Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!
She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, While you werent looking I stepped out of the circle!
Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise beach kyo kaheete hai ?
Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahe pata ?
Sardarji 1 : Nahe pata.
Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai .
Bridegroom: Dear, weve been back from the Caribbean for a month now. Weve been in our apartment now for nearly a month. Isnt it time we were alone?
Bride: But darling, we are alone, arent we? Bridegrom: What I mean is, when can we get your mother out of here? Bride: MY mother! I thought she was YOUR mother!!!
Yo Mama sooo skinny, she can dodge rain drops.
yo mama is so fat she went to KFC and asked for the bucket on the roof.
Ya mama is so fat she sells shade in the summer.
Yo Mama is so UGLY when she jumped in the bath, the water jumped out.
Yo mamas so fat when she went on a diet Bluebell went outta business.
Yo mama so fat that she needs a solar panel to see her reflection!!!
Yo mama is so stupid she wants to be a blonde.
Yo mama so stupid she puts cheese by her computer to feed the mouse.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks in the bank the alarm goes off!!!!!!
yo mama is so poor she went to Wendys and put a frosty on lay-away.
Yo mamas so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous.
yo mamas teeth are so yellow , i cant believe its not butter!
Yo momma so stupid she thought the TV guide was directions to get to the televison
Yo mama so stupid…. she thought taco bell was a Mexican phone company!!!!!
your moma is like the billsberry boughboy, everyone gets a poke…
Ya mamma so ugly they mash her face in dough and make monster cookies for halloween
Yo Mama so fat when she jumps into the pool, the other swimmers can go surfing
Yo Mama so stupid, she got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.
Yo Mama so fat when I watch t.v. and she walks in front of it, I miss 3 episodes of my show.
yo mama is so fat that when she stepped on the talking scale it told her to get off.
yo mama so fat they had to baptize her at seaworld.
Yo mama is so ugly that when she took you to the zoo the zoo keeper said Thanks for bringing her back
yo mama is so fat she had on a green and red dress everybody yelled out watermelon
yo mamas so stupid she got hit by a parked car
yo mama so ugly she makes blind kids cry.
when she steps on a scale it reads, TO BE COUNTINUED!
Yo mama so fat, she got more rolls than a bakery.
Yo Mama so ugly when she went to the beauty parlor it took 3 hours for an estimate.