A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this …fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued…and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire, it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judges ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in the fires. After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested … on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!
A nurse from england was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading:Keep off the grass.
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: Sorry, had to mow the lawn.
The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless Im sick.
I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell Shes Dead at roll call.
The principals toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal spud head.
Goldfish dont bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Frida!
Frida who?
Frida be!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jilly!
Jilly who!
Jilly out here, so let me in!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tom Sawyer!
Tom Sawyer who?
Tom Sawyer underwear!
President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Entró la madre de la adolescente a la habitación de ésta y encontró sobre la cama un consolador de baterÃas, doce pulgadas de largo, acrÃlico azul semi-transparente, cabeza ancha y suspensión reforzada. Angustiada la madre decide, después de mucho pensarlo, enfrentar directamente el tema con su hija.
Cuando ésta llega del colegio le dice:
Hija, quiero que hablemos de esto (mostrándole el consolador). ¿Puedes explicarme qué significa?
Fácil -dice ella- Tu me has enseñado que debo tener una sexualidad responsable y por lo mismo he decidido dar satisfacción a mi calentura y alboroto hormonal con este consolador que no me contagia de SIDA, no me embaraza, no me regaña, ni me grita ni me pone los cuernos.
La madre la mira seriamente, pensando en su interior. Le parece muy lógico y razonable lo que escuchó y decide dejarla seguir con su consolador. DÃas después la hija llega del colegio y al entrar a la sala ve a su madre con un vaso de whisky en una mano y con el consolador en la otra.
La hija la mira aterrada y le exclama:
!Mamá, ¿qué haces con Andrew? (¿por qué las mujeres le pondrán nombre a todo?)
La madre que ya está medio pea, la mira a los ojos y tranquilamente le dice:
¿Qué, acaso no puedo hecharme unos traguitos con mi yerno?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yehuda!
Yehuda who?
Yehuda dance all night!