These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
125. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, I think this game goes a lot faster with two players.
how many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I dont know. I havnt find one that could do it yet.
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun – they just dont remember who with.
I got this from another Lab attendant at work, but cant remember who.
BMW
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Monsterous Wonder
Beautiful Masterpeices on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Waste
Big Money Works
Blastphemous Motorized Wreck
Born Moderately Wealthy
Break My Windows
Broken Money Waster
Broken Monsterous Wonder
Brutal Money Waster
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
Boring Monotonous Wanker
Buick
Big Ugly Import Car Killer
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
Chevrolet
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
Chevy
Charged Heavily
Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
Dodge
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere
Fiat
Fucking Italian Attempt (at) Transportation
Failure in Automotive Technology
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Fix It Again Tony!
Ford
Fucked over rebuilt Dodge
Fucker Only Runs Downhill
Fucked on Race Day
First On Recall Day
First on race day
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found on road dead
Fraternal Order of Restored DeSotos
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Mans Companion
Generally Mediocre Cars
Get More Chicks
Got More Crap
Mopar
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mostly Old Paint And Rust
Plymouth
Please Let Your Mother Out (from) Under The Hood!
Pussy Lips In Your MOUTH
SAAB
Stupid, Arrogant Asshole Babies
Such an arrogant bastard!
Swedish Automobile – Always Broken
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
If you were in a dark room with a big strong man, would you want the lights on?
If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building with the same velocity, each travelling at a parallel speed relative to one another, who lands first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
1.Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order. 2.Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for. 3.Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window. 4.Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. 5.Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. 6.Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in. 7.When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on. 8.Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. 9.Ask how they fit into that little box. 10.If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. 11.Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said May I take your order? 12.When asked if they can take your order say No, why cant I take yours? 13.If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you. 14.Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away. 15.Tell them you have to use the bathroom. 16.Order a cup of water and two napkins. Thats it. 17.Dont order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene. 18.When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it. 19.Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Dont break your stare. 20.Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, You got any grapes?
Guy at the counter says, No, we dont have any grapes.
Duck says okay. and he leaves.
The next day the duck comes back in and says You got any grapes?
The man once again replies, No! We do not have any grapes.
The duck says Okay. and he leaves.
The third day the duck walks in again and asks, You got any grapes?
The man is very annoyed and says, No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, Im gonna nail your bill to the floor!
The duck replies Okay, and leaves.
The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, You got any nails?
The man at the counter says No.
The duck says, Well then, you got any grapes?
I wrote this and submitted it to my schools humor magazine (Punch Bowl), where
it was published. I thought Id share it with the net. It is a parody of
tabloid newspaper advertisements.
Enjoy
–David
Now that your nookie days are over and your pilot light is out, what used to be your sex appeal is now your water spout! Time was when, of its own accord, from your trousers it would spring, but now youve got a full time job to find the blasted thing!
It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave, every single morning it would stand up and watch you shave!
Now as old age approaches, it sure gives you the blues to see it hang its little head and watch you tie your shoes.
(Beware the zorgonians are everywhere)