Old and New Jokes

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one
of her fellow church members.

How are you feeling? the visitor asked.

Oh, said the lady, Im just worried sick!

What are you worried about, dear? her friend asked. You look like youre
in good health. They are taking care of you, arent they?

Yes, they are taking very good care of me.

Are you in any pain? she asked.

No, I have never had a pain in my life.

Well, what are you worried about? her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major
worry.

Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. Im
afraid theyre all wondering where I went.

Dont try to understand the theory of relativity.

Relativity is like an erection – the more you think about it, the harder it gets.

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, Wedding cake.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home?A: She moved.

The The number of people who believe it will ship on time.
The number floppies it will ship on.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.
The percentage of existing windows programs that wont run in the new OS.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
The number Mhz required for the OS to run.

And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows95 really stands for… (Drum roll please…)

The year it was *DUE* to ship.

Q: Did you hear about the hippy mathematician?
A: Yeah, he likes to keep it natural

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?

Because red means stop!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mozart!
Mozart who?
Mozart is in museums!

Una mujer quería una mascota para que le hiciera compañía, así que fue a la tienda y escogió un loro. Antes de recibir el dinero, el vendedor le advirtió que el loro había vivido en un prostíbulo y acostumbraba a decir cosas… salidas de tono. Pero a la mujer le gustó tanto el loro que decidió comprarlo.

Ya en su casa, la mujer puso la jaula en la sala y esperó a que el loro hablara. El animal divisó todo el panorama y dijo:

Nueva casa, nueva madame.

La mujer se sorprendió un poco, pero encontró graciosa la ocurrencia del loro y decidió esperar a que llegaran sus hijas adolescentes. Cuando ellas entraron, el loro exclamó:

Nueva casa, nueva madame, nuevas zorras.

Tras su sorpresa inicial, las muchachas se rieron con su madre y esperaron a que llegara el papá. Por la noche, cuando el hombre llegó a su casa, el loro gritó:

¡Nueva casa, nueva madame, nuevas zorras, caras conocidas! ¡Hola, Joaquín!

En tiempos de crisis, un esposo le sugiere a su mujer:

Si aprendes a cocinar y a hacer trabajos domésticos podremos despedir a las sirvientas y ahorrar dinero.

La esposa replica:

Si aprendes a hacer el amor podremos despedir al chofer y al jardinero y ahorrar dinero.