An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.
The gentleman replied, Oh, I havent told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. Ive changed my will three times in the last week alone!
Posted in Old Age |
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, Its dark in here, isnt it?
Yes it is, the man replies.
You wanna buy a baseball? the little boy asks.
No thanks, the man replies.
I think you do want to buy a baseball, the little extortionist continues.
OK. How much? the man replies after considering the position he is in.
Twenty-five dollars, the little boy replies.
TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
Its dark in here, isnt it? the boy starts off.
Yes it is, replies the man.
Wanna buy a baseball glove? the little boy asks.
OK. How much? the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
Fifty dollars, the boy replies and the transaction is completed..
The next weekend, the little boys father says Hey, son.
Go get your ball and glove and well play some catch.
I cant. I sold them, replies the little boy.
How much did you get for them? asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
Seventy-five dollars, the little boy says.
SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says Its dark in here, isnt it?
Dont you start that crap in here, the priest says.
Posted in Religious |
From Contemporary Comedy
This is the third anniversary of Bill Clintons election, and you know, looking back, I think the country was better off when Hillary was President.
If you put Ross Perots ears and Bill Clintons nose and put it on Phil Gramms face, youd have – Mr. Potatohead!
Most Americans oppose the Republican Medicare plan – mostly the ones who plan to get old someday.
Congressmen have been bought and sold so many times they should have bar codes.
For more freebies: http://home.navisoft.com/ha/comedy.htm
Posted in Political |
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Posted in Music |
Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
Posted in Computer |
En sus últimos minutos de vida, una madre recibe a su hijo. Éste se encuentra muy apenado y afligido, tanto por perder a su madre como por perder la posibilidad de conocer la identidad de su padre; asà que haciendo uso de su última oportunidad, se arriesga:
Mamá, dime quién es mi papá.
La madre no contesta y el hijo insiste:
Por favor, mami, ¿quién es mi papá?
entre gemidos y a muy baja voz, por fin, la madre responde:
Pro… be… ta…
Satisfecho, el hijo exclama:
¿De probeta? ¡Soy hijo de probeta, qué tranquilidad!
Sin embargo, con un gesto de fastidio la madre le interrumpe:
¡Nooo! Probé tanto hombre que ni me acuerdo…
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
You know you live in a small town when the guy at
the local convenience store speaks English.
Posted in One Liners |
You might be a redneck if you believe books are bad luck!
Posted in Redneck |
Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly and they come away from their course and they have no idea where they are.
So they go down to 15 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer. Could you tell us where we are?
You are in a balloon.
So the one pilot to the other:
The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an economist
Then you must be businessmen, answers the man.
Thats right! How did you know?
You have such a good view from where you are and yet you dont know where you are!
Posted in Aviation |
In Detroit, Oregon, a hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.
A California officer charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI after driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: It came with the car when I bought it.
The driver of an armored truck in Edmonton, Alberta appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. After six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.
In Boynton, Florida, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder in their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy.
I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
– Mark Twain
Posted in General / Unsorted |