Old and New Jokes

Un buen día llega una mujer a cierta cantina con ganas de beber. Comienza por sentarse en la barra y a llamar al cantinero de la siguiente manera:

¡Batmaaaan, tráeme una buena copa para apagar este ardor de pecho!.

Y así sucesivamente fue pidiéndole las copas al cantinero:

¡Batmaaaaan, tráeme una buena copa para apagar este ardor de pecho!

Hasta que el cantinero harto se le acerca y le reprocha:

¡Mira pinche vieja, en primer lugar no soy Batman, sino BARMAN, y en segundo lugar ese ardor en el pecho no se te va a quitar hasta que quites la chichi del cenicero!.

Q: What do you call a roll of duct tape??

A: Red neck chrome.

One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.

I need to find someone to run for president, he said after a while.

Attentive to his boss needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.

Nah, I want that guy, he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor pissing off a balcony.

Youve got to be kidding, said St. Paul, Not only is he dumber than a box of rocks, hes got drinking and drug problems.

I dont care, said God, This is the guy.

Perplexed, St. Paul asked: What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry with the Americans?

No, said God, I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a village idiot to run for president.

But wont that work in the Devils favor, oh Lord? Paul asked.

Thats all right, said God, hell never take Florida.

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

Doctor, says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?

I dont see why not, replies the doctor.

Thats funny, says the man. I wasnt able to play it before.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Halibut!
Halibut who?
Haliburt a kiss sweetheart!

What is white and flies across the sky?

The coming of the Lord.

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.

The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyers name.

One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, Thats the first time Ive ever had a lawyer buy the balls.

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you? says the bartender.

Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!

Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house.

So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.

If you dont mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?

I told her Ive had enough and I want a divorce!

Good for you! You said the right thing.

So what did you say to your best friend?

Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said…

…BAD DOG!

One day there was this boy that was walking up and had to take a SHIT so he droped his pants and started then he saw a police man and poled up his pants police man said whats under the hat the boy said a rabite the police man saide can i see him the boy said no the police man saide why not the said if i lift up the hat the rabite will hope a way then the police man saide how bout if you lift up the hat ill jump on the buuny the boy said ok the boy lifted up the hat and the police man jumped on the shit and the boy said DAM THAT RABIT MUST OF TOKE A SHIT AND HOLED ASS.

My grandma spread lard all over my grandads back. Sadly, after that, he went downhill very quickly.