Old and New Jokes

How many nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Please…replacing low-cost units designed primarily to emit photons in the visible electromagnetic specrum is easy.

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.

Then I said, But this is a dog. He said he didnt care what she looked like. Then I said, You dont understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, You dont understand, Sex keeps me awake at night. The clerk said, Me too.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. But you dont understand, I said, I hoped to have Sex on TV. He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married. The judge said, Me too. Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said Me too.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning. I said, I am looking for Sex.

My case comes up on Friday.

Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night. They finally
find a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it
only has one large bed, and this is the last room in the place. They
decide, what the heck, its only one night and share the bed.

The next morning they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed
says, I had the strangest dream. I thought some guy was jerking me off.
The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. I had the same dream, too!

The guy who slept in the middle says, Well, I didnt have that dream. I
thought I was skiing!

A preacher visits an elderly woman of his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. Mind if I have a few? he asks.

Not at all, the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher starts to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

Im totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really only meant to eat a few. Please let me purchase you some more.

Oh no, thats all right, the woman says. Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.

How do you get four gay guys to sit at one stool?

Turn it upside down!

A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50.The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes hell just say he weighs more or less.In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?The man did exactly as he said he would and wrote your exact weight on the paper.

What should be the official name for Bill & Hillary Clintons New York abode?

There were lots of possibilities, according to the creative audience of The Jayne Carroll Show, a political talk radio program which airs daily in the Portland, Oregon, metropolitan area. Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, NewYork.

Some names nominated for the Clintons new home included:

• Perjurers Palace
• HillBilly Villa
• The House of Bills Repute
• Drawers Downs
• Cheatem Estates
• Sin Simeon
• The Knee Pad
• The White Trash House
• The Blight House
• The Panderosa Liars Lair
• Bill & Hills Bribe & Breakfast
• The Clinton Compost
• Dogpatch on the Hudson
• The Hen House
• The Out House
• The Love Shack
• The House of Seven Felonies

  But the clear, hands-down winner was…

• DISGRACELAND

Recently our family sat down to a meal of curried chicken which neither of our sons had eaten before. Our five year old apparently didnt think that he would like it because it was his turn to say a prayer over the meal and he prayed, God, thanks for this food and please help me not taste it.

MADE FOR TV

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.