Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A Golden Retriever.
26
Jan
26
Jan
Man to store keeper: Id like some nails Store keeper to man: How long do you want them Man to store keeper: Oh Id like to keep them
26
Jan
Santa singh and banta singh are the best of friends.santa is a bachelor while banta is married to a sexy woman.she has a voracious appetite for sex and banta cannot live upto her expectations.he simply gets tired.so soon bantas wife gets attracted to santa who is a strong,energetic,handsome sardar.soon they are in love.one day they decide to go to the next level….
Banta has a 5 yr. Old son.one fine morning bantas wife wakes him up at 5 in the morning and gives him a cold bath in the middle of the winter season.the poor child gets a slight fever by midday.grabbing this chance,bantas wife asks banta to take the child to the hospital.as soon as banta has left she calls over santa for some fun.
By half an hour they are both making wild love when suddenly they hear bantas car horn.scared santa hides behind the curtains.enter banta.he sees his wife lying on the bed.he asks her why she is sleeping when she says that she is feeling cold. He checks her temp…on the forehead and then on the chest and realises that she is naked. He then asks her why she is naked and she says that in between she is also feeling hot. The stupid asshole gets confused as to what strange illnass his wife has and goes to call the doctor.
In the meantime the 5 yr. Old son realises that something is fishy and begins to search the house.he sees two big feet and goes and rips away the curtains and has the shock of his life when he sees ……….a fully naked man,6 feet tall,a foot long dick,and hair upto his knees….when the poor child screams,daaaaady,and faints. Listening to his sons cry banta arrives at the scene and sees his naked wife standing beside the bed wrapped in a bedsheet…next to her is his best pal santa (also naked),and lying at his feet is his son.banta gets the picture.
He goes over to santa, slaps him really hard.(santas head lowers down in shame). Banta says… Yaar sante,aise dosti dikhai na toone?mere ghar me itna bada crisis chal raha hai,aur tu nanga hokar mere bachhe ko darata hai!!!!
26
Jan
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."Youre finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50."And by the way," the blonde added, "thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari."
26
Jan
A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit. After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, You do appear to have a problem. Id like to see you again next Wednesday.
After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured.
For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldnt pay and refused to acknowledge the debt.
Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.
26
Jan
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube
When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – A, E, I, O and U.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.
For Fainting: Rub the persons chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Litre: A nest of young puppies.
Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
26
Jan
Q: What do you use to fry a peter?
A: Peter Pan.
26
Jan
Garth Brooks and Billy Ray Cyrus are captured by terrorists.
They are brought up in front of a firing line. The head terrorist asks Billy Ray Cyrus for any last requests. To which Billy replies Well, I sure would like to sing _Achy Breaky Heart_ jus one more time!
The head terrorist says fair enough.
The head terrorist then asks Garth Brooks the same question. And Garth answers shot me first!
25
Jan
Un indio se iba a casar con una chica blanca que casualmente se llamaba también Blanca. Por la diferencia de razas, la madre le dice a su hija: No te puedes casar con ese indio.
Y la hija le responde: Pero si yo lo amo, y el tambien me ama y nos vamos a casar.
La madre le dice: si él de verdad te ama, dile que te compre todas las tierras del norte
y las ponga a tu nombre…
La hija llorando va a contárselo al indio y le dice: Mi madre dice que para poder casarnos debes comprarme las tierras del norte y ponerlas a mi nombre.
El indio le contesta: Yo amar a Blanca… poder comprar tierras del norte y ponerlas a tu nombre.
Blanca va y le dice a su madre: El indio me compró las tierras del norte, ahora sà nos vamos a casar…
Aún no, si ese indio te ama de verdad dile que también te compre las tierras del sur y las ponga a tu nombre.
La chica le cuenta al indio y el indio le dice: Yo amar a Blanca, poder comprar
tierras del sur.
La chica va contenta y le cuenta a su madre y la señora muy desesperada, sin saber que hacer para impedir que se casen, le dice: si en verdad te quieres casar con ese indio, su pene debe medir medio metro…
Y la chica llorando le dice: pero madre nadie en el mundo la tiene de ese tamaño, y su madre le responde: ¡entonces no te casas!
La chica va y con mucha pena le cuenta al indio: Mi madre dice que para casarnos tu pene
debe medir ¡MEDIO METRO!
El indio se queda pensando mucho tiempo… y finalmente le dice:
Yo amar a Blanca… ¡PODER CORTARME UN PEDAZO!
25
Jan
1) Cuando las cosas anden bien, es porque algo estás olvidando.
2) Cuando las cosas anden mal, espera y se pondrán peor.
3) El optimista es un individuo que no tiene mucha experiencia.
4) ¿Qué se puede esperar de un dÃa que comienza con tener que levantarse?
5) No importa qué pidas en un restaurante; lo que pidan los demás siempre será mejor.
6) Murphy fue un optimista.
7) La vida es algo que te sucede mientras haces otros planes.
8) El hecho de que seas paranoico no quiere decir que no te estén buscando.
9) Después de escucharme, mi psicoanalista me dijo que tal vez la vida no sea para mÃ.
10) Las únicas personas normales son las que uno no conoce bien.
11) La mujer llora antes de la boda y el hombre después.
12) El año más difÃcil del matrimonio, es el que estás viviendo.
13) Cuando un hombre le lleva flores a su esposa sin ninguna razón, es porque hay alguna razón.
14) Pégale seguido a tu mujer. Tú no sabrás por qué, pero ella sÃ. (Proverbio chino)
15) Vote por el candidato que menos prometa. Asà quedará menos defraudado.
16) Cuando era niño, me dijeron que cualquiera podÃa llegar a ser presidente; ahora estoy comenzando a creerlo.
17) No tomes tan en serio la vida… No es permanente.
18) La probabilidad de que los semáforos nos den luz roja es directamente proporcional al apuro que llevamos.
19) La belleza de una mujer es inversamente proporcional a su intelecto.
20) Un pesimista es alguien que si tiene que elegir entre dos males, elige los dos.
21) No te preocupes por tu salud. Ya se va a ir.
22) Cuando por fin lo logramos, ya no tiene importancia.
23) Ahorra un poco de dinero todos los meses. A fin de año te sorprenderás de lo poquito que tienes.
24) Tengo suficiente dinero para el resto de mi vida. A menos que compre algo…
25) Es mejor no saber como se hacen las salchichas ni las leyes.
26) Tengo ganas de abandonar todo, pero no tengo tiempo.
27) Dos cuerpos no pueden ocupar el mismo espacio al mismo tiempo, salvo que viajen en un colectivo en hora pico.
28) La única vez que tuve razón, fue la vez que pensé que me habÃa equivocado.