Old and New Jokes

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A. Megasoreass

One day a Scottish guy and his girlfreind were walking when the Scottish guy says, You want to hold my hand, dont you?

The girlfriend replies, How can you possibly know that?, and the guy goes, The twinkle in your eye.

So, they hold hands for a bit, but a little while later the guy goes, You want to kiss me, dont you? and she goes, How can you possibly know that?, to which he replies, The twinkle in your eye. Sure enough, he is given a kiss by the lass.

Finally, the date is over, and the girl says you want to make love to me, dont you?

He says, How can you possibly know that? Is it the twinkle in my eye?

She says, No, its the tilt in your kilt.

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he cant hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, I, then at his knee, meaning, need, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, handsaw.

The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.

The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!

The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.

Q. Whats pink and fluffy?

A. Pink fluff, duh!

Why are women such bad drivers?

Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.

A fellow from the city was driving through the country one day when he came
upon a quaint farmhouse alongside of the road – and there was even a farmer
standing out front. So the city boy decided to stop and talk to the farmer.

Good morning, sir, he said, I was driving by, admiring the country, cause
Im a city boy, and I couldnt help but notice that you have a field full of
cows on your farm. Now Ive lived in the city all my life and Ive never
tried any fresh country milk. If its all right with you, Id like to try
some fresh country milk from your cows.

The farmer replied, Son, those are bulls! You dont get milk from bulls!!

And the city boy said, But I wont hurt your cows. All I want to do is to
try some fresh country milk.

The farmer had to try again, Son, those are BULLS!! You dont get milk from
BULLS!!!

But the city boy persisted, Really, I wont hurt your COWS! I just want to
try some fresh country milk!!

So the farmer reluctantly gave in, Son, knock yourself out.

In a half an hour the city boy returned from the fields carrying a pail of
fresh country milk. The farmer scratched his head and started to speak, but
the city boy jumped in with, You know, while I was out in the field getting
this lovely fresh country milk, I saw a fence covered with honeysuckles.
And you know, Ive been city boy all my life and Ive never had any fresh
country honey. If its all right with you, Id like to try some fresh
country honey from your honeysuckles.

And the farmer replied, Son, honeysuckles are flowers. You get honey from
bees.

But the city boy persisted, I wont hurt your flowers. I just want to try
some fresh country honey.

So the farmer tried again, Son, honey comes from BEES!

But the city boy was adamant, Really, I wont hurt your FLOWERS! I just want
to try some fresh country honey!!

And the farmer reluctantly gave in again, Son, be my guest.

In a half an hour the city boy boy returned with 2 mason jars full of honey.
The farmer scratched his head harder than before and started to speak. Just
then the city boy said, You know, Im a city boy – been a city boy all my
life. Now while I was out getting some of that fresh country honey,
I noticed that you have a field full of pussy willows …

Son, interrupted the farmer, let me get my hat.

A clerk was showing a lady a very nice dress shirt and tie.

Now this, the clerk said, is absolutely elegant. It is perfect for a man-about-town.

Could be, the woman replied, but Im looking more for something for a louse-around-the-house.

What
are three words that a married person would never
want to hear during sex?
Honey Im home

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out, Cross.

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, The Old Rugged Cross.

The pastor hollered out Grace. The congregation began to sing Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.

The pastor said Power. The congregation sang There is Power in the Blood.

The Pastor said Sex. The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden from way in the back of the church a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing….. Precious Memories.

A pipe burst in a doctors house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800.

The doctor exclaimed, This is ridiculous! I dont even make that much as a doctor!.

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, Neither did I when I was a doctor.