Things you dont want to hear during surgery:
1. Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor – were going to need a mop
3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?
6. Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again…
10. Ya know, theres big money in kidneys. Hell, the guys got two of em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; its throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family wont miss him
15. And now we remove the subjects brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Dont worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Other features:
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes D shore
no = naaaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98:
tiperiter = a word processor
colering book = a graphics program
addin mershene = calculator
scratch paper = notepad
jupe-box = CD player
inner-net = microsoft explorer
pichers = a graphics viewer
IRS = M/S accounting software
IRS2 = M/S accounting sofware with hidden files
coon dog = American Kennel Club records
fishin = Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
NRA = National Rifle Association
shot gun = Remington arms price list
riffel = Winchester price list
pisstel = Smith and Wesson price list
truck = Ford and Chevrolet dealers in Kentucky by zip code
house = nearest mobile home repair service by zip code
car = same as truck
cuzzins = family history (usuall a 3 meg file)
tax records = usually an empty file
shells ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
bud = list of Budweiser sellers by zip code
racin = NASCAR racing schedule includes a list of tv stations that carry the races car n truck parts = nearest junk yard by zip code
doc = vetrinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the West Virginia edition. You may return it to Micrsosoft for a replacement version
What women say… …What they mean…
——————————————————————-
Cant we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going
to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.
I just need some space …without you in it
Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do
it for me.
Do I look fat in this dress? We havent had a fight in a while
No, pizzas fine Cheap bastard
I just do not want a boyfriend now I just do not want (you as a) boy-
friend now
I dont know; what do you want to I cant believe that you have
do? nothing planned
Come here My puppy does this too
I like you but… I dont like you
You never listen You never listen
Were moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you
until I find out if this guy in Bio
has a girlfriend
Ill be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make
you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no
way I am going dutch
Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get
this over with
Im just going out with the girls We are gonna get sloppy and make
fun of you and your freinds
Theres no one else I am doing your brother
Size doesnt count… unless I want an orgasm
If you want to get along, go along.
OReillys Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible
Ryans Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Yo mama is like a bus. Shes big, doesnt smell very good, and its only $1.00 to ride!
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: Ah, youre lovely, arent you? she says to the first dog. Whats your name? To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, My names Huey, and Ive had a great day going in and out of puddles.
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. And whats your name then? Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, My names Lewy, and Ive had a great day going in and out of puddles. And so she moves on to the last dog. Let me guess, she says. your names Dewy, and youve had a great day going in and out of puddles.
No, replies the last dog. My names Puddles, and Ive had an awful day!
Help Wanted: Telepath.
You know where to apply.
Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?
A: Someone stole the book.