Heres a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:
A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely swallowed.
How many Irish does it take to change a lightbulb?
Forget it- well drink in the dark
Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?
A: He was choking on a small bone!
If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
If your glass set is composed of McDonalds Extra Value Meal Plastic
Cups (ie. Olympic Dream Team I or II).
If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up
(one trip).
If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce
yourself.
If your bed time is no longer 10:00 PM, but 3:00 AM.
If you consider pizza one of the four major food groups.
If you consider the other three to be beer, McDonalds, and candy.
If youve ever missed a class to watch Ricki Lake.
Or play Warcraft.
If youve ever sent e-mail to the people you live with.
If you refer to your meal card as plastic.
If youve ever spent a good hour searching for your student I.D.
just so you could get that one dollar off at the movies.
If youve ever stayed up all night just so you wouldnt sleep
through your morning class.
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking hed try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole."Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro."Uh… youre supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again."Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look, she said, I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!
Statement of fact (anti-English)
The alternative encyclopaedia of Scotland
E is for England
A small irrelevant country which, humourously, thinks itself important. The source of much jollity the world over, England is a strong contender for the Country You Most Love To Hate award. From Mandalay to Mauritius via Timbuktu and Tasmania, everyone hates England. Indeed, England has it within its grasp to bring about global unification just by declaring war on the world. Every nation on earth would unite in the fight.
Strange but true; the reason England thinks it is the centre of the universe is because it won the football {soccer in N America} World Cup in 1966. Though irritating, this would not have mattered too much if it had learned to shut up about it for five minutes. England also had an obscenely big empire which, again, was noteworthy only for how much it annoyed everyone else.
A common misconception is that England lost its empire because the uppity natives noticed they were being exploited. In fact it was because English commentators couldnt shut up about the World Cup that host nations decided enough was enough and set about shooting Englishmen in the hope that one was Bobby Charlton.
Undeterred, England persists with its delusions of adequacy but has a terrible inferiority complex about Scotland – and is unforgivably dismissive of its loving neighbour. It has gone down various plugholes – economic, cultural, football, you name it – but the plucky little English (often referred to as Sassenachs) still think the world admires them. You have to hand it to them; theyre barking mad.
One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself. Wheres Eve? He asked.
Well, said Adam, She started to bleed. This happens every month or so.
So where is she? asked God.
Well, she went down to the river to wash up. replied Adam.
Darn, said God. Now Ill never get the smell out of the fish!
You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever used lard in bed.
Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave – time outs, notes home, missed recesses – but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there. The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing. The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?" The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"