Old and New Jokes

Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, Thats a nice kitty. Drop the pill in its mouth.

Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

Follow same proceedure as in 1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in – quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you wont be able to see what you are doing. Thats just as well.

Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.

Now pull yourself together. Whos the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, Whos the the boss here anyway? Open cats mouth, take pill & ….Oooops!

This isnt working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towl. Spread towel on floor.

Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

Flatten cats front & back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man – or woman!

Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cats head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

Drop pill into cats mouth and poke gently. Voila! Its done!

Vacuum up loose fur (cats). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

Take two asprins and lie down.

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Taxis stop for us.

We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

We dont have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, were aware that we look like an idiot.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

Well never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they arent listening anyway.

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.

Man: Thats not so bad, whatcha got?

Devil: Well, Im going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if thats where you want to spend eternity.

Man: OK.

The devil opens the first door and theres a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

Man: Ouch, that seems painful. Its not for me, whats next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

Man: That looks worse, got anything left.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. Ill take this one.

Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?

Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says – Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads!

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my sons turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. Hes a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one
of her fellow church members.

How are you feeling? the visitor asked.

Oh, said the lady, Im just worried sick!

What are you worried about, dear? her friend asked. You look like youre
in good health. They are taking care of you, arent they?

Yes, they are taking very good care of me.

Are you in any pain? she asked.

No, I have never had a pain in my life.

Well, what are you worried about? her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major
worry.

Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. Im
afraid theyre all wondering where I went.

Dont try to understand the theory of relativity.

Relativity is like an erection – the more you think about it, the harder it gets.

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, Wedding cake.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home?A: She moved.

The The number of people who believe it will ship on time.
The number floppies it will ship on.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.
The percentage of existing windows programs that wont run in the new OS.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
The number Mhz required for the OS to run.

And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows95 really stands for… (Drum roll please…)

The year it was *DUE* to ship.