Old and New Jokes

What the difference between a brunette and the trash?

The trash gets taken out once a week!

1. Compaq is considering changing the command Press Any Key to Press Return Key because of the flood of calls asking where the Any key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldnt read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the send key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid. The tech explained that the computers bad command and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computers mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked What power switch?

12. 1st Person: Do you know anything about this fax-machine? 2nd Person: A little. Whats wrong? 1st Person: Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened. 2nd Person: How did you load the sheet? 1st Person: Its a pretty sensitive memo, and I didnt want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.

13. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support? Tech: Yes, it is. How may I help you? Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed? Tech: Im sorry, but did you say a cup holder? Caller: Yes, its attached to the front of my computer. Tech: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, Its because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it? Caller: It came with my computer, I dont know anything about a promotional. It just has 4X on it.

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldnt stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

yo momaso dumb she got lost at the grocery store

The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the stand! and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
Just before he says Your Honor, he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, Whatever.
He giggles every time he hears the word briefs.
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
He begins closing arguments with, As Ally McBeal once said…

-=} Randall {=- LAWYER: A cat who settles a dispute between 2 mice.

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The following is a humorous story reported in the Manchester
Guardian some time in the late 1970s.

Ben McTaggart, a farmer in the Scottish Highlands, was apprehended by the
local constabulary after a routine inspection of his croft
revealed an illicit whisky still.

McTaggart appeared in court next day to face charges of evading
payment of excise duties and the illegal manufacture of alcoholic
spirits. Reviewing the facts of the case before pronouncing verdict,
the magistrate declared –

Mr McTaggart, you have been found in possession of apparatus commonly
used in the distillation of alcoholic liquors. Although this equipment
was unused, and no trace of spirits could be found on your premises,
the intent of the apparatus should be clear to all, and I am obliged to
find you guilty of all charges brought against you in this court. Before
I pronounce sentence, do you have anything to say in mitigation of your
offence?

McTaggart glowered at the magistrate and replied –

Your Honour, you can convict me of moonshining just because I have
the equipment, but youd better convict me of rape as well, because
I have the equipment for that tae!

Why dont women need to wear watches?

Theres a clock on the oven!

The young lady entered the doctors office carrying an infant.

Doctor, she explained, the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the ladys breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.

Young lady, he finally announced, no wonder the baby is losing weight, you havent any milk!

Of course not! she shrieked. Its not my child, its my sisters!

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969. The other points his thumb behind him and says, Dog crap, 20 feet back.

Step 1: Go buy a turkey


Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD


Step 3: Put turkey in the oven


Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey


Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens


Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink


Step 7: Turn oven the on


Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky


Step 9: Turk the bastey


Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get


Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer


Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey


Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours


Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey


Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey


Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick


Step 17: Turk the carvey


Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch


Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey


Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out