Old and New Jokes

An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal.

– Dave Bassett, Sky Sports

Ardiles strokes the ball like it is part of his own anatomy.

– Jimmy Magee, RTE

Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.

– Kevin Keegan, Radio 5 live

This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.

– Ted Walsh ( Horse Racing Commentator)

I would not say he ( David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.

– Ron Atkinson

He dribbles a lot and the opposition dont like it – you can see it all over their faces.

– Ron Atkinson

I never comment on referees and Im not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.

– Ron Atkinson

It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.

– Ian Wright commenting on his teammates alcoholism)

I couldnt settle in Italy – it was like living in a foreign country.

– Ian Rush

Ah, isnt that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.

– Harry Carpenter (BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel – a Mecca for tourists.

– David Vine

Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.

– David Coleman

Julian Dicks is everywhere. Its like theyve got eleven Dicks on the field.

– Metro Radio

… and later we will have action from the mens coxless pairs …

– Sue Barker

Her time is about 4.33, which shes capable of.

– David Coleman

Dennis Pennis: Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?

Chris Eubank: On what?

Sex is an anti-climax after that!

– Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald

Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that

– Desmond Lynam

To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.

– Ruud Gullit

Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.

– Ron Atkinson

For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip

– John Motson

Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.

– David Acfield

What will you do when you leave football, Jack – will you stay in football?

– Stuart Hall (Radio 5 live)

Well still be happy if we lose. Its on at the same time as the Beer Festival

– Noel O Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich

Id like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona

– Mark Draper (Aston Villa)

There goes Juantorena down the backstraight, opening his legs and showing his class

– David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics

And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fannys

– David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day

… and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion

– John Arlott

These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them

– Gary McCord – on the greens at Augusta

One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them – Oh my God, what have I just said?

– USTV commentator

Theyll be watching him (Mike Tyson) with a fine toothcomb from now on

– CNN Sports commentator

Queridos papá y mamá:

Hace ya tres meses que estoy en la universidad y me demoré para escribirles. Siento mucho la demora, pero ahora voy a ponerlos al tanto de todo. Antes de continuar, por favor, siéntense. ¡No continúen leyendo antes de sentarse! ¿Está bien?

Ahora ya estoy mejor, la fractura y el traumatismo que tuve al saltar por la ventana de mi cuarto en llamas al llegar aquí, están prácticamente curados.

Pasé sólo 2 semanas en el hospital, mi visión está casi normal y aquellas terribles jaquecas sólo vuelven una vez por semana.

Como el incendio fue causado por un descuido mío, tenemos que pagar 50 mil dólares a la facultad por los daños causados, pero eso no es nada, pues lo importante es que estoy vivo.

Felizmente, la empleada de la lavandería que queda al frente lo vio todo. Fue ella quien llamó a la ambulancia y avisó a los bomberos. Ella también fue a verme al hospital y, como yo no tenía a donde ir, con mi apartamento reducido a cenizas, tuvo la gentileza de invitarme a vivir con ella.

En verdad es un cuarto en un sótano, pero es muy agradable. Ella tiene el doble de mi edad, estamos perdidamente enamorados y nos queremos casar. Todavía no fijamos la fecha, pero será antes de que su embarazo sea muy evidente.

Queridos padres, seré papá. Sé como ustedes ansían ser abuelos y estoy seguro que acogerán a los bebés (son trillizos) con todo el amor y cariño que me dieron cuando yo era pequeño.

Lo único que está atrasando nuestra unión, es una pequeña infección que mi novia cogió y que nos impide hacer los análisis prematrimoniales. Yo también, por descuido, acabé infectándome, pero estoy mejor con la penicilina que me pongo diariamente.

Sé que ustedes la recibirán con los brazos abiertos en nuestra familia; ella es muy amable, y aún no habiendo estudiado, tiene mucha ambición. Aunque no sea de nuestra misma religión, sé que ustedes son tolerantes y que tampoco les importará el hecho de que su piel sea un poco más oscura que la nuestra.

Estoy seguro que la querrán tanto como yo y, como ella tiene más o menos su edad, se llevarán muy bien y se divertirán mucho juntos.

Como donde vivimos es muy pequeño, pretendo regresar para casa con toda mi nueva familia. Sus padres son también muy buenas personas, parece que su padre es un famoso mercenario de la aldea africana de donde ella es.

Ahora que ya saben todo, es preciso que les diga que no hubo incendio alguno, no tuve traumatismo ni fractura en el cráneo, no fui al hospital, no tengo novia, no tengo sífilis, y no hay ninguna mujer negra en mi vida.

La verdad es que saqué cero en Física, 2 en Matemáticas y 1 en Biología, y quise mostrarles que existen cosas peores en la vida que notas bajas.

Un beso de su hijo.

3 guys were stuck on an island. One day, one of the guys found a very old bottle. As he opened the bottle, out popped a genie who granted each of the guys 1 wish.

The first guy wished he could go home to his family. Poof, his wish came true and he was back with his family. The second guy wished the same thing, that he could go home to his family. Poof, the second guy was home with his family.



The third guy wasnt exactly smart. He looked around the island, feeling kind of lonely. He looked at the genie and said I wish my 2 friends were back on the island again with me.

Whats the favorite food of a Black/Italian halfbreed?

– Barbequed spaghetti.

Because red means stop.

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.

Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one
out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a
pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on The Ten
Commandments.

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his
hand vigorously, and told him I want to thank you preacher for saving my
soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon
on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.

Preacher: You mean the commandment I shall not steal changed your
mind?

Old Man: No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I
remember where I left my old hat!

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that humans lap. If you can, arrange to have Friskies Fish n Glop on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, I love kitties, be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, But you always allow me on the table when company isnt here. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isnt necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cant be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the humans eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.

– How come blonde girls have bruises around and in their bellybuttons?

– I dont know…Why?

– Because blonde boys are stupid as well!

A rich society lady was being driven home in the rain when her Rolls Royce gets a puncture.

The car slowly stopped, and the chauffeur got out. After a long delay the society lady wound down the window. Do you want a screwdriver? she asked.

The chauffeur shrugged. Might as well, he said, I cant get this bloody hub cap off!!!