Old and New Jokes

What is white and flies across the sky?

The coming of the Lord.

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.

The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyers name.

One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, Thats the first time Ive ever had a lawyer buy the balls.

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you? says the bartender.

Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!

Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house.

So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.

If you dont mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?

I told her Ive had enough and I want a divorce!

Good for you! You said the right thing.

So what did you say to your best friend?

Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said…

…BAD DOG!

One day there was this boy that was walking up and had to take a SHIT so he droped his pants and started then he saw a police man and poled up his pants police man said whats under the hat the boy said a rabite the police man saide can i see him the boy said no the police man saide why not the said if i lift up the hat the rabite will hope a way then the police man saide how bout if you lift up the hat ill jump on the buuny the boy said ok the boy lifted up the hat and the police man jumped on the shit and the boy said DAM THAT RABIT MUST OF TOKE A SHIT AND HOLED ASS.

My grandma spread lard all over my grandads back. Sadly, after that, he went downhill very quickly.

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and active low signals didnt yet exist.)

On the second day, Gods boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasnt. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign! And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that new and improved wouldnt do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with add and logical shift instructions. And the original bit discovered that — by performing a single shift instruction — it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply. And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasnt worked right since.

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Dont imagine you can change a man – unless hes in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse.
Never let your mans mind wander. Its too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators cant dance or buy drinks.
Never sleep with a man whos named his penis.
Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women dont make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldnt ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him checkbooks.
A mans idea of serious commitment is usually oh alright, Ill stay the night.
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldnt even bother to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if youre faking it tell him no, youre just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if hes your first, tell him you may be … you do look familiar.

Está Pepito en el recreo, cuando pasa María, a lo que Pepito le ofrece:

María, juguemos a que yo te meta el dedito en el ombligo.

Ya bueno.

Al cabo de un rato:

Pepito, ese no es mi ombligo.

No te preocupes María, ese tampoco es mi dedo.

I dont care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.

This guy has problems so he goes to a counselor. The counselor askes Whats wrong? And the man replies,God is my friend. Whenever I get up to got to the bathroom he turns the light on, And whenever I go back to bed he turns the light off. The counselor found this very suspicious so he went to the guys wife and tells her what he said. And his wife replied, That idiot, he wont stop peeing in the refriderator.