Theres the story about the man that walks into a house of ill repute in Reno and says, Ill give $20,000 to any woman here wholl come into the desert with me and do it MY way.
One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert. After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him Just what is your way?
On credit.
All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble youve gotten in. Whenever theres a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. Youll be surprised how effective this form can be!Dear:
a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under-appreciated
prank.
How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent-driven sledge
e) zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should nothave pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with torch-light,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused isbeyond my ability to
a) imagine.
b) fathom.
c) comprehend.
d) appreciate.
e) pay for.
And I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly withinyour rights to
a) hate me.
b) sue me.
c) spank me.
d) take my firstborn.
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond.
But I ask you to remember all the good times weve had, joshing around at
a) school.
b) work.
c) church.
d) the bowling alley.
e) the municipal jail.
And to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend.
b) child.
c) sibling.
d) lease co-signer.
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) Im going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Me.
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign …
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off. “How did this happen?” the doctor asked. “Well I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied. “Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?” “No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,’ then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.’ So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.”
There were three girls in a bar. One girl says…
I can get a whole hand up my cunt!
Then the second girl says well, I can get a whole foot up mine!
Finally, the other girl says I dont mean to brag, but could you help me off this stool!
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?
Doctor: Sell!
Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!
An italian, a mexican, and a redneck constuction worker all sat down one day to eat their lunch on top of a building they were working on. The italian opens his lunch and looks in and says Salami again! If I get salami one more day, Im gonna jump off this building The mexican opens his lunch and says Burrito again! If I get a burrito one more day, I am gonna jump off this building The redneck opens his lunch and says P-nut butter and jelly again! If I get p-nut butter and jelly one more day, I am gonna jump off this building. The next day at lunch, the Italian opens his lunch and finds salami so he jumps off the building. The mexican opens his lunch and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building. The redneck opens his lunch and finds p-nut butter and jelly so he jumps off the building. Later, at the funeral the Italians wife cries out I didnt know he disliked salami so much The mexicans wife cries out I wish I knew he was so sick of burritos The redneck wife says Hey, dont look at me, he always fixed his own lunch!
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.
He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth – 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.
Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time.
When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him – yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.
God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the letter said?
Oh, so you didnt get one either?