Old and New Jokes

Mrs. Sally is a very strict second grade teacher who doesn’t want the kids in her class to use baby words, so when Christmas break comes around she tells her students that she wants them to use big people words over the break. When they come back Mrs. Sally asks the students, “so does anyone have a story from break they want to share?”
Little Molly raises her hand and answers, “I went to my papa and nana’s house.”
Mrs. Sally gets upset and says, “Molly, we do not say papa and nana we say grandparents!”
Mrs. Sally asks again if anyone has a story and little Joe raises his hand and says, “I rode in a choo choo.”
Again Mrs. Sally gets frustrated and tells her students that you do not say choo choo you say train. Mrs. Sally asks again if anyone has a story and little Billy raises his hand.
“And what did you do over break Billy?” Asks Mrs. Sally
“Well me and my mom read Winnie the sh*t over break.”

Three guys get together every Saturday to go to the local Country Club to play golf. One Saturday morning, the pro approaches them and asks if they would mind if a new member could join in with them for the day. They agree to give it a try and the four go off to play golf.

The new guy plays left handed and has a great round. The group decides that they had such a good time that they invite the new guy to join in again the following week. The new guy says hed love to, but he might be a couple of minutes late. They tell him that thats no problem and they all go home.

The next week, the new guy is there right on time and this time plays right handed. Again they all have a great time and invite him for the following week. He again tells them that he would love to but might be a couple of minutes late.

This goes on for several weeks with the new guy golfing both right and left handed. Finally, one of the original threesome cant stand it anymore and asks him, How do you figure out whether you should golf right handed or left?.

The new guy replies, Thats easy. When I wake up in the morning, I look over at my wife. If she is laying on her right side, I golf right handed. If she is laying on her left side, I golf left handed.

Well what if she is laying on her back?

Oh, thats when Im a couple of minutes late.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter and asks, What are those for?St Peter answers, Those are lie clocks. Everyone has one. Each time you lie, the hands on your clock move.Oh, says the man, Whose lie clock is that one?
Thats Mother Teresas, St Peter replies, The hands never moved because she never told a lie.Incredible, muses the man, Whose is that one?Abraham Lincolns, St Peter says, The hands only moved twice because he only told two lies in his entire life.Wow, so what about George W Bush and Tony Blairs clocks? The man asks.Theyre in Jesus office, Says St Peter, Hes using them as ceiling fans.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thurston!
Thurston who?
Thurston and hungerin!

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders dont last as long as light bulbs.

A una ama de casa, un contador público y un abogado se les pregunta: ¿Cuánto es 2+2?

La ama de casa responde de inmediato: ¡cuatro!

El contador público responde: Creo que es 3 ó 4. Déjame correr la macro de mi hoja de cálculo una vez más.

El abogado baja la intensidad de la luz, y entrecerrando los ojos y con tono suave contesta: ¿Cuanto quiere que sea?

Llega un señor al baño de un restaurant y ve a un cubano orinando, y se acerca a preguntarle cómo le hacen los cubanos para tenerla tan grandota. El cubano le responde, No, pue eque acá en Cuba dede chiquitico nosotros nos amarramo una piedra en el pene para que nos crezca.

El señor se va a su casa y se amarra una piedra…

Pasó un mes y el señor se encuentra al cubano de nuevo en el restaurant y el cubano le pregunta, ¿Cómo va señor con lo de la piedra?

Pues grande todavía no la tengo, ¡pero negra ya se puso!

Miss Ashley was new to teaching at the junior high school and decided to test the general knowledge of her new class.

Who can tell me who brought down the walls of Jericho?, she asked.



Wasnt me, Miss!, came a swift reply from the front row.



Somewhat taken aback that no-one knew the answer, she reported what had happened in the staff room at break.



A fellow teacher asked, The fellow who answered, was he the little one with red hair and glasses in the front?



Yes, she replied.



Well, said the other teacher, I know him, and if he said that he didnt do it, then he didnt!!



Now Miss Ashley was quite upset. She decided to go to the Principal. She told him what had happened, and the reaction of the other teacher who should have known better.



The Principal looked at her for a moment, then he said, Look, Miss Ashley. You are new around here. There is no point in making trouble. Write me up an invoice for the damage to the walls, and Ill submit it to the insurance company on Monday.

A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot to things…Condoms and Dramamine for the man had the terrible misfortune of getting motion sickness on ships.

So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise and the man goes in to get the necessary supplies. He walks to the counter with a plenty pack of condoms and asks for the largest bottle of Dramamine available.



The pharmacist looks at him for a second and then asks him, If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?

What is the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomanic and a
Jewish American Princess?

A prositute says Are you done yet?

A nymphomanic says Youre done already!!

A Jewish American Princess says Beige,…..I think Ill
paint the ceiling beige