Old and New Jokes

21. If your social life consists of a date with the library

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. Theres no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. What am I doing? he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. Its been a long day, this is the end of my shift and its Friday the 13th. I dont feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before, you can go. The guy thinks for a second and says, Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back! Have a nice weekend, said the officer.

At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea. The young guy says, Hey, how about a round of golf?Nah, the older fellow replies, tried it once, didnt like it.Well, how about a swim? Itll be more refreshing that your iced tea there.Nah, the older fellow responds, tried it once, didnt like it.Young guy says, Well, how about a game of tennis?Naw, tried it once and didnt like it. But my son will be here soon. Hes usually up for a game or two.The younger guy replies, Your only child I presume?

In an inner city school, a questionaire was sent home with a new pupil, requesting information regarding the home environment, number of brothers and sisters, fathers occupation, etc.

The next day she returned with a scrap of paper on which was the following: We have eighteen children. My husband can also do plumbing and carpentry work.

He worked it out with a pencil.

In the sleepy city of Sherrill, N.Y., two unsuspecting adults have found themselves the objects of sleep deprivation research.

James Harden is currently in his tenth month of his study. His subjects, Debbie and Dennis Harden, have tried to foil his research to no avail. Ferber has failed and so has The Family Bed.

Young James conducts his studies by awakening in the wee hours of the morning, standing up in his crib, and screaming at the top of his lungs. Sometimes, a backrub from Mom will put him back to sleep; but at other times, it takes the formula ritual. Sometimes James is actually hungry but most of the time he just wants to check how his research is going.

Just how far has he gone? Last week, James woke up too early; his parents were still up watching David Letterman. Dennis looked at his lovely wife and said, I cant take this. Im going to bed.

Debbie responded, If you do that, I will kill you in your sleep. Dennis went to get the baby.

Any non-Ferber advice or even sympathetic anecdotes are being requested by these strung-out parents. All other babies James age in this area actually sleep through the night and have done so since they were 2 days old. Or their parents are outright liars.

Two jokes on the same theme …

Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

A: A drummer.

Another researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.
Accompanied by his trusty guide, he too seeks out a very remote locale
for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, hes sitting by the campfire with his
guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder.
The guide announces, I dont like the sound of those drums.

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, I really
dont like the sound of those drums.

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until
it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says
again, I really dont like the sound of those drums.

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,
Hey man, hes not our regular drummer!

I read in a Reuters newswire from May 10 that police in Biddeford, Main had arrested a couple of men for driving by and strafing a pedestrian with doughnut holes!

Chris Roy, 19, and Christopher Cote, 20 said they normally just attack street signs and werent sure why this time they went for a pedestrian.

It seems they like to buy (doughnuts) just so they can throw them, said police Sergeant J.P. Morin.

He wasnt sure if they were fresh or stale, but said I suppose a piece of dough thrown from a car would be pretty hard.

I was in a chinese restaurant the other day when I called over the waiter and said Waiter, this omelettes rubbery

To which he replied Thank you very much.

squiffy – the only person I know who can post jokes from a job hes not at whilst at a job hes not supposed to be at…

Dont ask, its been ONE of THOSE days 🙂