Old and New Jokes

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

Doctor: A shoebox.

Guaranteed to get a little something in the sack
If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some
You dont have to compliment the person who gives you candy
The person you are with doesnt fantasize you are someone else
Forty years from now you will still enjoy candy
If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you are kinky
Doesnt matter if the kids hear you moan and groan
Less guilt the next morning
If you dont get what you want, you can always go next door.

GUYS: FIGURED OUT BY NAME



Aarons are dependable and talented.

Allens are preppy.

Alexes like porno, usally hot in a skater kinda way

Everyone has an Andy.

Bens are the smart, silent type.

Bills are the ones everyone chases and no one gets to keep.

Bob is the universal name.

Brads try too hard.

Brandons are dark haired, players.

Bretts are shy and clumsy.

Brians usually have only one good feature (but i havent quite found it yet)

Calebs never grow up.

Carters are rich, power-hungry snobs.

Chads are hot, quiet but interesting once you get inside.

Charlies are walking sex.

Chris are undefined and should remain so.

Craigs are a little misguided.

Dans are thick.

Daves are impossible to get over.

Dennis are quiet, desperate flirts.

Devons are destined for trouble.

Doug is the nice guy that repulses you.

Eds are thbp

Eddies are fast.

Erics are forgettable.

Ethans smell .

Franks and Tonys are Italian Stallions.

Fred is in the chess club.

Fredericks could be snotty.

Garys are gross Nazis.

Georges are mild-mannered and have weight problems.

Glens are either short or intelligent.

Gregs are bizarre.

Initial name guys are cool.

Jakes are insecure and slightly repulsive .

James are egotistical and stupid.

Jamies are shy but cuddly.

Jareds think they are the best thing since sliced bread.

Jasons are fun loving and handsome.

Jeffs are lost puppies, though they are adorable.

Jeremys are a tad fruity.

Jimmys are sweet and sexy!

Joes are awkward, shy-guys in first date situations.

Joels are frustrated. tend to hang out with Nelsons

Its hard to stand out if your name is John.

Joshes are romantic back-stabbers.

Justins mess with your mind.

Kevins have swanky hair.

Keith is built, but dry and annoying. Its like dating a broom.

Kens just dont measure-up.

Korys are egotistical, pleasure-driven jerks.

Kyles are horny bastards!

There is always something wrong with a Kurt.

Leonards are avid bug collectors.

Lesters are molesters.

Lonnies are nasty.

Marcus are players

Marks are touchy.

Martins have a strange sense of humor.

Matts are queer- one T or two.

Mikes are rascally, troublesome guys but are usually nice.

Nates are cocky for a reason.

Nelsons are home-schooled.

Nicks are jerks, immature and only want your body.

Owens have large families and drive fast.

Patricks are also incredibly sexy.

Pauls suffer from male-pattern baldness.

Peters are stalkers.

Phils are sensitive but geeky.

Philips are more geeky but equally sensitive.

Rays are players but majorly hot!

Randys have facial hair problems and pyro tendencies.

Richard–Dick, need I say more?

Rickies are very senstive,cute, and charming!

Robs are sleazy and make you feel cheap.

Robins are tormented.

Rod (the name itself) is perverted.

Rons are into pasta.

Roys are so childish.

Ryans are never appreciated.

Sams just like sex.

Scotts are hormonal and usually bad news.

Shawns are sweet in one-on-one situations.

Shanes are shady.

Simons are thin.

Steves are extremes(usually incredibly good looking incredibly bad)

Theos (or Theodores) always make you smile.

Timothys like to be mommied.

Todds are sweet, sporty guys.

Toms are nerdy but poetic. They have that inner something.

Tommys are way to possesive & need to get a life!

Travis are dumb jocks.

Tylers are genetically small .

Vances are good conversationalists.

Wesleys are romantic.

Williams are fat.

Zacks are good looking, but aloof

Boy comes home from school, very excited. Tells his mother he has a part in the school play.


What part do you play? asks his mother.


I get to play the part of a Jewish husband


he replies.


The mother– Go back to school and tell the teacher to give you a speaking part.

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten
years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she
asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making
love and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She says, Honey, how could you do this! All this time youve never told me.
Explain yourself immediately!

The husband says, Okay, Ill explain, but first you have to explain the kids.

President Clinton was on his usuall jog for the day when he saw a little boy who had several puppies with him. The President asked him what their names where, the little boy said their names are DEMOCRATICS. The Pres. said oh what great namews for the puppies.

So the next day president Clinton went jogging with his duaghter Chelse so that she could see the puppies and when they came up to the little boy, the president told him to tell Chelse the puppies names; and the little boy replied thier names are REPUBLICANS.

Then the president said you told me yesterday that thier were DEMOCRATICS, and the little said yeah that was yesterday when their eyers were closed, but today theire opened.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? 20: one to change the bulb, the rest to make a documentary all about it.

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses, explained the driver.

What did you tell the farmer? Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, I told him that I was Rush Limbaughs driver and Id just killed the pig.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

A: From eating with forks.

Well, there was this truck driver that had been driving all day and hadnt stopped for lunch or anything and he was getting REAL hungry. He sees this diner and pulls in, walks up to the counter and sits down by this old biker who was staring at a steaming bowl of chili.

The waitress comes up and asks the trucker what hell have and he looks at that chili and says, Lady, I am starving to die, here, that chili looks good, Ill have that.

The waitress goes off and comes back with the truckers steamy bowl of chili that he promptly gulps down. Not satisfied yet, he looks over at the biker who is still staring at his chili. The trucker tells him, hey, Im still kind of hungry, if youre not gonna eat that, may I? and the biker slides the bowl of chili toward the trucker.

Well, the trucker takes his time with this bowl. He gets about half way down and theres this big greasy dog turd in the bowl. The trucker proceeds to barf everything back into the bowl and the biker says, yep, thats as far as I got, too!