Old and New Jokes

14 Things to do While Taking a Drivers Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, buckle up!

3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesnt dirty the seat.

4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say oops.

5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, now which one is the gas again?

6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

7. Fill your car with beer bottles.

8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

11. Swear at everybody on the road.

12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

13. Beep your horn at everything.

14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the dissection table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking,

when George W. said, I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, Ill prove it to you.

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if Im home, said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, See! That guy was really stupid!

No kidding, replied George W. There was a pay phone just around the corner…

You could have called instead?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as plucking the yew. Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!

Over the years, some folk etymologies have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since pluck yew is rather difficult to say (like pleasant mother, pheasant plucker, which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as giving the bird.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Kelly limps into his favorite pub…

My god! What happened to you? the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

I got in a tiff with Riley, whispered Kelly to the beertender.

Riley? Hes just a wee fellow, the barkeep said surprised.

He must have had something in his hand.

That he did, Kelly said. A shovel it was.

Dear Lord. Didnt you have anything in your hand?

Aye, that I did – Mrs. Rileys right tit. Kelly said.

And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!

An elderly spinster called the lawyers office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, You must understand, Ive lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I dont like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinsters home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyers first question was, Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how youd like them to be distributed under your will?

She replied, Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.

Tell me, the lawyer asked, how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?

The spinster said, Well, as Ive told you, Ive lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so Id like them to notice when I pass on. Id like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.

The lawyer remarked, Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me, he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?

The spinster replied, As you know, Ive never married, Ive lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact Ive never slept with a man. Before I die, Id like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.

This is a very unusual request, the lawyer said, adding, but Ill see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, Ill drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until youre finished.

The next morning, she drove him to the spinsters house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didnt come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, Pick me up tomorrow, shes going to let the County bury her!

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog cant even ride a bicycle.

Why did the Blonde cross the road? Who cares, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen!

Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!

Whats come over you?

2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.



Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pack of cards!

Ill deal with you later.



Doctor Doctor – I feel like a needle!

I see your point.



Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pair of curtains!

Pull yourself togerther man!



Doctor Doctor – I have 59 seconds to live!

Wait a minute will ya!