Old and New Jokes

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me.

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!

You are so ugly the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand slipped through the toilet paper.

Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

When is it appropriate to throw a glass of wine in your
Italian girlfriends face?

When her beard is on fire.

Why do Mexicans drive around in Low Riders?

– So they can drive and pick vegetables at the same time.

Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check. Doctor says Ive got good news and bad news, which do you want first? Guy says good news first. OK, You got 24 hours to live Dang, whats the bad news! I shoulda told you yesterday!

Where does a 200 ton elephant sit?

Anywhere he wants!

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit some of the members of the church. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation Genesis 3:10. Revelation 3:20 reads: Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me. Genesis 3:10 reads: And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.

Once upon a time there was a friendly old lady who decided to open a tea room. So she picked an ideal location and pretty soon business was booming. Then she got greedy and thought shed skimp on the ingredients and make more profit. She found that she could use her tea bags over and over and nobody seemed to notice. But soon her customers got fed up with weak tea. Her business failed and after a while she was bankrupt. The Moral Of The Story: Honest tea is the best policy.

Keeping up with the changing times, Mattel corp will begin selling a new Divorced Barbie.

It comes with all of Kens accessories.