Old and New Jokes

Un tipo iba por la carretera y ve un cartel que indicaba… máxima a 80, y el tipo disminuye la velocidad a 80.

Después mira otro cartel, máxima a 60, y vuelve a disminuir la velocidad a 60, al rato otro que decía máxima a 40, y disminuye a 40.

Va bajando la velocidad hasta que mira un cartel:

Bienvenidos a Máxima.

1. Im really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.

2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.

3. Ill kill myself if I dont get a job.

4. I know where you live.

5. Any sentence beginning with I was recently acquitted.

6. Im really tall, so I think Id be well suited to this job.

7. Happy faces.

8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.

9. Im confident that Ill get this job. The voices told me.

Sometimes youre the bird, and sometimes youre the windshield.

If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The Rabbi responds, Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.

The Priest then asks, Have you ever eaten pork?

To which the Rabbi replies, Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The Priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.

The Rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The Priest replied, Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, A lot better than pork isnt it?

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question, What part of your body gets to heaven first?

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad.

So she picks on Jenny first who says, I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart.

The teacher then calls on Jim who says, I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart.

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny. She picks him and he says, I think your feet get to heaven first.

The relieved teacher asks him, Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?

Johnny says, Cause I walked into my Mom and Dads room last night and my moms feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting Oh God Im cummin!

• If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly, or the
  davenport. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental
  rug. Lacking an Oriental rug, shag is good.
  
• DOORS: About them…
  
  
  
  • Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open,
    stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door
    is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can
    change your mind.
    
  • When you have ordered an outdoor door opened, stand half-in
    and half-out and think about several things (particularly
    important during very cold weather or mosquito season).
    
  • Doors swinging: Avoid.
    
  
  
• GUESTS: About them…
  
  • After dinner, when walking on the dinner table among the
    dishes, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded.
    The idea to convey is, But you let me do it when there
    isnt company!
    
  • Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap
    during the evening. You will know him because he will call
    you nice kitty. If you can arrange to leave Puss n Boots
    on your breath, so much the better.
    
  • For sitting in laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select
    colors which contrast with your own. Example: for
    white-furred cats, a good black wool is best.
    
  
  
• Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the
  table. Never drink from your own water bowl if their glass is
  full enough to drink from.
  
• When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
  cook. This way you cannot be seen and, therefore, stand a better
  chance of being stepped on, picked up and soothed.
  
• If one of them is sewing, or working with paper and pens, and the
  other is idle, sit with the busy one. This is called hampering.
  Following are the main tips for hampering:
  
  
  
  • For book readers, get in close under the chin. Unless, of
    course, you can lie across the book itself.
    
  • For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to
    doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This
    causes what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to
    distract you with a ball of yarn, which is ridiculous. Ignore it.
    
  • For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on
    income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activities), keep in
    mind the aim: to hamper. First, sit on the paper being worked
    on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
    When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
    scattering them to the best of your ability. After being
    removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
    off of table one at a time.
    
  
  
• TYPEWRITERS: About them…
  
  
  
  • Be alert! Do not let typing occur without your attention.
    By sitting on the lap of the typist, you can place elbows on
    the top, making it convenient to play with the keys, which go
    up and down, and with the long things inside. If biting paper
    is in order, wait until typist has completed one perfect page.
    
  
  
• Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for playing
  catch-mouse or king-of-the-hill on the bed between 2 and 4 a.m.
  
• If you become bored with your diet, immediately after food is
  placed into dish, try to cover it with the newspaper under your
  bowl – sometimes this can even result in your fresh bowl of water
  being tipped over.
  
• Start this training early, and you will have a smooth-running
  household. Humans need only to know a few basic rules which they
  can be taught readily if one starts in time!
  

A dense fog halted all flights from the big airport. The lobby soon filled with passengers eager to be on their way. Most of them philosophically accepted the airlines obvious explanation about the fog.

One whippersnapperish woman, however, refused to be satisfied. Taking a position directly in front of the counter, she rejected all efforts of a young assistant manager to explain the delay.

Finaly she said, Young man, I dont believe you know what you are talking about. I insist on speaking to the person responsible for delaying my flight.

In a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, the young man said into his telephone, Hello, operator, would you connect this party with Extension One in Heaven?

From Sat. Evening Post, Sep/Oct 95, p. 82

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. So upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldnt get out of her room.You cant get out of your room? the captain asked, Why not?The stewardess replied, There are only three doors in here, she cried, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, Do Not Disturb.