Old and New Jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well he explained By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself Ill go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. Well he explained By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself Ill go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. Well he explained, by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….

Dont be sexist… broads hate that!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Toothy!
Toothy who?
Toothy the day after Monday!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Burton!
Burton who?
Burton in the hand is worth two in the bush!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey wont fit in this lock!

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesnt have curtains, but your truck does.

Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 – One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvanias bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we dont change anymore.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.

Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back…

Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?

Yeah, my wife…

A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a WW. Not knowing what that was, he asked the blonde what it was and she told him a White Wine. So he gave her some white wine.

Another blonde walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a RW. Again not knowing what it was, he asked the blonde. She told him it was a Red Wine. So he gave her some red wine.

Then a 3rd blonde walks into the bar, and asks the bartender for a Double7. Very confused, the bartender asks what that is. And the blonde says, Duuuh! 15!.