Old and New Jokes

DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT…….
What did the elephant say when it saw a live ant?
It stepped on the ant and then said DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT….

Easy code system to communicate with other cat owners and with the animal clinic.

Sex:
XFemale, spayed, no interest.
X+Female, spayed, but still interested.
X++Female, intact, but not particularly excitable.
X+++I am a kitten factory.
YMale, neutered, no interest.
Y+Male, neutered, but still interested.
Y++Male, intact, but not particularly excitable.
Y+++I would go through a burning building to get at a female in heat.
Size (largeness):
L—I fit easily into your shirt pocket.
L–I can curl up in two cupped hands.
L-Im somewhere between kitten-sized and average.
LIm average cat size, just right for your lap.
L+Im starting to slip off the side of your lap.
L++Im large enough to make a German Shepherd think twice.
L+++People sometimes mistake me for a mountain lion.
Weight:
W–Im so thin that you can count my bones.
W-Im slim, but healthy.
WIm an average cat, not too thin and not too fat.
W+Im a heavy cat, but its all muscle.
W++I need to go on a diet.
Claws:
C—Ive been declawed front and back
C–Ive been declawed in front
C-I have claws, but theyre covered with Soft Paws ™.
C+I have claws, but theyre clipped regularly.
C++My claws are unclipped, but theyre kind of dull.
C+++I have ten razor-sharp implements of death.
Note: C* can be substituted for C for a polydactyl.

Behavioral Traits:

These are optional fields that describe behavioral, as opposed to physical, traits. Consider omitting the corresponding code if your cat is normal (whatever that means for a cat!) or near normal for the sake of brevity.

I/O:
I+++You mean theres a world *outside* of the house?!
I++I live indoors most of the time, but will sneak out sometimes.
I+I prefer to live indoors, but go outside when I feel like it.
II drift between indoors and outdoors at will.
I-I come indoors to sleep and eat, but not much else.
I–Im allowed inside once in a while, but I eat and sleep outdoors.
I—Why would anyone want to live inside those big ugly boxes?
Temperament:
T+++I am a furry ball of affection and love everybody.
T++I like meeting new people and am affectionate with most.
T+Im shy about meeting new people, but am affectionate with those that I know well.
TI have a few special humans I really like, the rest I tolerate.
T-People are OK for feeding and playing, but not much else
T–Im annoyed by human contact and will avoid it if possible.
T—DONT TOUCH ME OR ILL SHRED YOU!!
Note: Many cats appear to be split-personalities, e.g.: T++/—
Activity level:
A+++All the photos of me are blurred.
A++I am always getting into, under or on top of things and am hardly ever still.
A+If you dont play with me, Ill find a way to play by myself. A Its easy to get me to play, but I like to sleep, too.
A-I work very hard at sleeping, but like to chase the occasional toy.
A–I may show signs of life in the presence of an excellent toy.
A—They thought I was dead, until they started the can opener. LOL!!!
Eating:
E+++Nothing even remotely edible is safe when Im around.
E++Im always hungry. What are you having?
E+I would rather eat than play with a toy.
EI enjoy good food, but sometimes the stuff I get is fit only for my litter box.
E-Ill wait until the others have eaten.
E–I would rather play with a toy than eat.
E—I eat just enough to get by.
Hunting:
HFood comes in a box, right?
H+I chase anything that moves, but am not quite sure what to do with it if I catch it.
H++I kill an occasional small rodent, bird or lizard, but would never eat one. (Well, *hardly* ever.)
H+++I regularly kill and eat small prey but expect to be fed, too.
H++++If I didnt kill it then I dont want to eat it.
Smurgling:
SI wouldnt be caught dead doing it!
S+I sneak an occasional smurgle.
S++When Im in the mood, I can smurgle with the best of them.
S+++Everybody leaves my house moistened with kitty-drool.
Note: smurgling is defined as kneading some part of a persons body or clothing while simultaneously nuzzling, licking or sucking.
Vocalization:
V+++Everyone in the neighborhood deserves the benefit of hearing my magnificent voice.
V++I have long, meaningful conversations with people.
V+I have a small but useful vocabulary of important words, like: Food!, Play!, and: Clean the box!
VIll let you know when its dinner time, dont expect to hear from me until then.
V-I know how to say Feed me!, but must be very hungry to do so.
V–Well, talking is a learned experience, Im trying…
V—Ifyou are killing me, I might squeak a little.
Fetching:
F-Why did you throw that thing?
FIll chase it if you throw it, but forget about bringing it back.
F+I can be coaxed into fetching a favorite object when Im in the mood.
F++I like to fetch and will often ask my human to throw things for me.
F+++I will fetch anything, anywhere, anytime. [Are you sure you dont have a dog?]
Intelligence (IQ):
Q—Every time I blink, I discover a whole new world.
Q–The principals of gravity still escape me.
Q-Im a little slow, but Im trying!
QIm an average cat: cunning, but no real reasoning.
Q+Im pretty quick-witted for a cat.
Q++I display near-human reasoning sometimes, such as double-takes and abstract reasoning.
Q+++Im working on my Ph.D. thesis.
Lap affinity:
P-Id rather lie on a hard rock than in a persons lap.
PIll use your lap if youre in the right room and Im in the mood.
P+I prefer laps to any other type of resting place, but they have to belong to people I like.
P++I am a total lap fungus. (Hurry up and sit down so I can demonstrate!)
Belly sensitivity:
B–Touching my belly is just cause for my taking your arm off at the elbow.
B-I like to lay on my back and show my belly, but youd better not touch it.
BWell, OK, you can rub my belly…but not too
B+Please rub my belly. Oh, yes! Do it some more!!
B++I like to have my belly drummed.
Purr activity:
PA–Me purr? Never!
PA-Ill think about it if you pat or feed me enough.
PAI like to show my appreciation when patted or fed.
PA+Pat me and Ill rumble.
PA++Ill purr as soon as you enter the room/yard.
Purr loudness:
PL—Theres something wrong with my voice.
PL–Youll have to put your ear against my tummy to hear me.
PL-Im a little on the quiet side.
PLIm an average purrer.
PL+Im a little louder than the average cat.
PL++Im a real power purrer!
PL+++Ive been known to set off car alarms.

Q: How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is.

Question: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?

Answer: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic!

A guy walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of the best whiskey in the house. The bartender proceeds to fill twelve shot glasses and stares , puzzled, at the guy as he begins to drink them down, one by one. As the guy is finishing the eleventh shot, the bartender asks, Whats the occasion?

The guy says,

Im celebrating my first blowjob!, as he finishes off the last shot.

Well, says the bartender, in that case, here have one on the house and he fills another shot glass.

No thanks, says the guy, If twelve didnt get the taste out of my mouth, one more wont!

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.

She said to the bellman, We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.

But, madam!, replied the bellman.

Dont But madam me, she continued. You cant treat us like were a couple of fools just because we dont travel much, and weve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. Im going to complain to the manager.

Madam, the bellman said, this isnt your room; this is the elevator!

Un marinero vuelve al puerto después de haber estado un año en alta mar y lo primero que hace es irse de putas. Se encuentra con la golfa en la cama, listo para la faena… Y nada, que no le funciona.

Pero, chico, ¿qué te pasa?

¡Joder, que después de tanto tiempo en alta mar echo de menos el vaivén de las olas durante la tempestad!

Hombre, eso se puede arreglar… Pero te va a costar dinero.

El dinero no es problema, venga.

Entonces la chica tumbada en la cama, agarra el colchón y lo menea de un lado a otro.

Pero, bueno, ¿vamos a la faena o qué?

Es que me falta algo más: echo de menos el sonido del viento durante la tempestad.

Se puede arreglar, pero te va a costar.

Venga, el dinero es lo de menos.

La prostituta menea el colchón mientras sopla frenéticamente.

¿Qué pasa ahora, no te vale esto?

Pues la verdad es que también echo de menos los relámpagos.

Vale, ya sabes el precio.

Que sí, que vale, venga.

La mujer menea el colchón mientras sopla frenéticamente, a la vez que enciende y apaga la lámpara en la mesilla.

¿No me digas que todavía echas algo más de menos?

Pues sí, el sonido de los truenos.

De acuerdo.

La hetaira menea el colchón mientras sopla frenéticamente, a la vez que enciende y apaga la lámpara en la mesilla, mientras pega porrazos en la persiana.

Pero, tío, ¿es que no es suficiente o qué?

Me falta el salpicar de las olas sobre la cubierta del barco.

Vale, arreglado.

La puta menea el colchón mientras sopla frenéticamente, a la vez que enciende y apaga la lámpara en la mesilla, mientras pega porrazos en la persiana, al mismo tiempo que vierte agua de una jarra sobre el marinero… Pero nada. Ya toda mosqueada, le reclama:

¡Joder! ¿Pero follamos o qué?

¿Qué dices? ¡Con este tiempo de perros que hace!

Un hombre decide ampliar sus gustos culinarios y empieza por ir a un restaurante japonés después del trabajo. Se sienta y viene el mozo.

¿Qué platos me recomienda? le pregunta al japonés.

Le lecomiendo lata al limón

Bueno, tráigamela.

El japonés le sirve la lata al limón y el hombre disfruta de su plato, pensando que es lo mas exquisito que ha probado.

Contentísimo vuelve al otro día con un amigo y piden lo mismo. El sábado de noche vuelve al restaurante con su esposa y ambos piden la lata al limón.

A la semana siguiente va el su esposa y unos amigos, y se sientan en la mesa, cuando viene el mozo y el hombre le pide que traiga lo de siempre para cuatro personas. Pero el japonés le dice:

No va a podel sel, hoy no hacemos lata al limón polque lata está teniendo latitas.

If you never want to see a man again, say, I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children… – they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner

People dont care how much you know until they know how much you care.