Old and New Jokes

A Jew, a Greek and an Irishman were killed in a car accident.

When they got to heaven, being young men, they asked Saint Peter if there was any way for them to come back to earth.

Saint Peter thought for a minute and then said, Well, if you each promise to give up one particular thing, Ill grant your request.
All jumped at the chance. The Jew had to agree to never touch any money, the Irishman had to agree to never touch even a drop of alcohol and the Greek had to agree to never touch another man.

Later, the three of them are walking together down the street when they came to a bar.

The Irishman begins shaking all over. Oh boy, could I use a drink, he says.

The other two try to talk him out of it but he goes into the bar anyway.

He returns with a beer and takes a sip. Suddenly, poof, he disappears.

The Jew and the Greek continue walking. At the next block the Jew spots a 5c piece on the footpath.

He begins shaking and unable to resist, he bends down to pick up the coin.

Suddenly, poof, the Greek disappears.

Está Pepito en la escuela y la maestra le pregunta:

Pepito: ¿Dónde está la casa de Dios?

Pepito le responde: En el baño, maestra…

¿Por qué en el baño?

Porque mi papa veo que dice a la puerta del baño: Dios mío, ¿todavía sigues ahí?

Un borracho le grita a su mujer:

¡Mi amor, tu mamá se cayó del segundo piso!

¡Cómo! ¿Cuándo fue?

¡Hace como dos horas!

¡Y ahora me vienes a decir, borracho estupido!

¡Es que no podía hablar de la risa!

The night before Y2K

Twas the night before Y2K,

And all through the nation

We awaited The Bug,

The Millennium sensation.



The chips were replaced

In computers with care,

In hopes that ol Buggy

Wouldnt stop there.



While some folks could think

They were snug in their beds

Others had visions

Of dread in their heads.



And Ma with her PC,

And I with my Mac

Had just logged on the Net

And kicked back with a snack.



When over the server,

There arose such a clatter

I called Mister Gates

To see what was the matter.



But he was away,

So I flew like a flash

Off to my bank

To withdraw all my cash.



When what with my wandering eyes

Should I see?

My good old Mac

Looked sick to me.



The hack of all hackers

Was looking so smug,

I knew that it must be

The Y2K Bug!



His image downloaded

In no time at all,

He whistled and shouted,

Let all systems fall!



Go Intel! Go Gateway!

Now HP! Big Blue!

Everything Compaq,

And Pentium too!



All processors big,

All processors small,

Crash away! Crash away!

Crash away all!



All the controls

That planes need for their flights

All microwaves, trains

And all traffic lights.



As I drew in my breath

And was turning around,

Out through the modem,

He came with a bound.



He was covered with fur,

And slung on his back

Was a sackful of virus,

Set for attack.



His eyes-how they twinkled!

His dimples-how merry!

As midnight approached, though

Things soon became scary.



He had a broad little face

And a round little belly,

And his sack filled with virus

Quivered like jelly.



He was chubby and plump,

Perpetually grinning,

And I laughed when I saw him

Though my hard drive stopped spinning.



A wink of his eye,

And a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know

A new feeling of dread.



He spoke not a word,

But went straight to his work,

He changed all the clocks,

Then turned with a jerk.



With a twitch of his nose,

And a quick little wink,

All things electronic

Soon went on the blink.



He zoomed from my system,

To the next folks on line,

He caused such a disruption,

Could this be a sign?



Then I heard him exclaim,

With a loud, hearty cry,

Happy Y2K to all,

Kiss your PCs good-bye!

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

No, his friend said, its named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia.



Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?



A check.

Dont be so open-minded — your brains will fall out.

Whats the difference between Bill Clinton & J.F.K?

One got his head blown off in the back of a limousine & the other got assasinated.

Plane: How do you fly so fast?

Rocket: Youll know when your ass is on fire!

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week:

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 – When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 oclock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr … about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I cant say that.

Presenter: Theres a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room – much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) Weve got Brian on the other line, say hi

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, were going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I cant say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesnt matter. Ive already told Them.

Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: Thats close enough … Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh no I cant say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.

Presenter: Theres a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, Ive already told them so it doesnt matter anyway … just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh … alright … Up the arse!

Radio Silence

Advert

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, were going live here, and sometimes these things happen. Weve given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now well take a music break.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

Were sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife.

Well, tell me! the man said.

The policeman said, We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said, Im sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wifes body in the San Francisco Bay.

Oh my god! said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.

Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, So whats the good news?

Well, said the cop, when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.

If thats the good news, then whats the great news!?! he asked.

And the cop replied…

Were going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!