Old and New Jokes

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 oclock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldnt wait any longer. It was 4 oclock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal.
 
A rehearsal? his buddy asks, Dont you mean a performance?
 

 
No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes.
 

Oh Husband, Dear Husband, I tremble with fear.

Youve been on overtime almost a year,

And since you are gone, till way late at night

A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

O Husband, Dear Husband, Please dont be a fool,

Working this overtime is wasting your tool.

For better it is, to be poor all your life,

Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

I used to be happy as your little queen,

But now every night youre no where to be seen

You come home from work just able to creep,

I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed,

Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.

I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,

I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,

Ive played with your balls, but your pecker wont rise,

So Ill find me a man who works eight hours a day,

And while youre on O.T., well proceed to make hay.

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,

For which there is no pardon, and never has been,

And that is a man whos so foolish and mean,

That he gives up his fucking to run a machine.

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when theres a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and theres a snail sitting there.

What do you want?

asks the landlord.

The snail replies that he wants a drink.

Go away, were closed, and we dont serve snails anyway.

The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, picks the snail up, throws it as far as he can, and then slams the door shut.

….. Exactly one year later, hes locking up again, and theres a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there.

What do you want says the landlord.

What did you do that for says the snail.

You might be a redneck if…

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

Youve never paid for a haircut.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood.

Youve ever made change in the offering plate.

The fifth grade is referred to as your senior year.

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve…

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You think a cursor is someone who swears a lot.

A rather fat woman with a sagging figure was vacationing in Florida. She goes into a shop and buys a bikini.

The next day she comes back and wants to return the bikini top and get half her money back.

The clerk says, But you need the top too.

The woman replies, No, I dont. I can get everything into the bottom.

Estan dos invidentes frente a la puerta de Catedral, cantando con sus guitarras una tristísima cancion…

Se acerca un tipo elegante y bien vestido y le dice a uno de ellos: Buen hombre… le voy a dar algo para que no vuelva a cantar en su vida.

El cieguito afortunado, emite un gruñido y su compañero interpretándolo como de satisfacción, le pregunta: ¿que te dio, cabrón, que te dio?

Y el afortunado contesta, con voz apenas distinguible: ¡¡Un navajazo!!

Un químico, un biólogo y un ingeniero electricista fueron condenados a muerte y estaban esperando la silla eléctrica. El químico fue llevado primero.

¿Hay algo que quieras decir? preguntó el verdugo, mientras lo sujetaba a la silla.

No, dijo el químico.

El verdugo bajó el interruptor… Y no pasó nada. De acuerdo con la ley, si una ejecución falla, el prisionero tiene que ser liberado; así que el químico fue puesto en libertad. Entonces le tocó el turno al biólogo.

¿Hay algo que quieras decir?

No, haz lo que tengas que hacer.

El verdugo bajó el interruptor… Y otra vez no pasó nada, así que el biólogo fue liberado. Entonces le tocó el turno al ingeniero.

¿Hay algo que quieras decir?, preguntó el ejecutor.

Sí. Si cambias de lugar ese cable rojo con el azul, es posible que esto funcione…

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?



A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

A man with the ability to convince his wife that she would look
fat in mink.

The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbis garb.

May I come in? asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we …

I know what you do here, interrupted the rabbi. You dont think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls.

Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, Good! Ill take those.

The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door.

Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosies astonishment, the rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, How old are you, Rabbi?

The rabbi said, God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old.

That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if youre ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me – Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you.

The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again.

Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap.

Okay. The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, Wait one minute. This is important. While Im asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless.

Of course, Rabbi, said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbis testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, Im ready.

And so he was, for, to Rosies delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I dont understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?

Oh that, said the rabbi. Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I dont know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is five hundred dollars.