Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms. After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground. Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, I dont think much of this budgie jumping. The other moron replies, Yeah, Im not too keen on this paragliding either.
28
Dec
28
Dec
An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldnt help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young priests thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose he took it do you?
The priest said, Well, I doubt it, but Ill write him a letter just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: Dear Father, Im not saying that you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: Dear Father, Im not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.
27
Dec
Paco abre un restaurante en la autopista y su amigo Pepe le dice:
Paco, pon un cartel en el camino para atraer a los clientes.
Un mes después Pepe pasa por la autopista y no ve ningún cartel, pasa el restaurante y piensa que Paco se arrepintió de la colocación del cartel.
Unos 10 minutos depués encuentra un cartel luminoso que dice:
Restaurante. Retroceda 5 Km.
27
Dec
Un cieguito pedÃa limosna en una esquina. Pasa un hombre y al querer colocar una moneda en el jarro de metal, aquella pega en el borde y cae lejos. El ciego se levanta, la toma y la introduce en el jarro.
El hombre lo mira y le dice furioso:
¡Basura! ¡Usted es un estafador! ¡No es ciego! Anda engañando a la gente, ¡sinvergüenza!
Cálmese señor, sucede que el cieguito esta enfermo y yo lo estoy reemplazando para juntar dinero.
Ah… ¿y usted a que se dedica?
Soy el sordomudo de la otra esquina…
27
Dec
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
My son, says one, has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.
The third mans son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.
27
Dec
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wah!
Wah who?
Well you dont have to get so excited about it!
27
Dec
Its not how good your work is, its how well you explain it.
27
Dec
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, Im not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Id feed him.
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, Well, Im not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldnt feed him all the hay.
27
Dec
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.
Your Honor, replied the defendant, that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didnt have to be present and not to worry.
I cant see why youd punch a man for that, interrupted the judge.
Wait, theres more…
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.
Then he said, Because everythings coming up Roses.
THATS when I hit him!
27
Dec
MONDAY 8:00 Husseinfeld 8:30 Mad About Everything 9:00 Suddenly Sanctions 9:30 Allah McBeal
TUESDAY 8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror 8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right 9:30 No-witness News
WEDNESDAY 8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer 8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy 9:00 Judge Saddam 9:30 (edited)
THURSDAY 8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi 8:30 Achmeds Creek 9:00 Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses 9:30 My Two Baghdads
FRIDAY 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things 9:00 M*U*S*T* A*S*H 9:30 Veilwatch